Blacula, Bloodrayne, Underworld 3: Ten vampire movies (almost?) worse than Twilight Eclipse
|Courtesy Twilight: Eclipse|
|Ah, the glory of Photoshop's desaturation tool|
Yesterday marked the opening of Twilight: Tweengasm, and no power in the universe can stop a seething mass of blond 12-year-olds from streaming into theaters across America, where they will squeal in unison for two hours until every pane of glass in the nation is reduced to shards.
However, we know the Twilight series are really, really bad. They reduce a primordial horror film archetype into a castrated, sparkly Ken doll. But is Twilight: Eclipse the worst vampire film of all time? Check out these contenders and decide for yourself.
As soon as someone realized that you could combine the words "Black" and "Dracula", the release of Blacula was just a matter of time--it's one of those wordplay titles so bad that you gotta do something with it, right?
Blacula follows the sordid tale of an African ruler who tries to harness Dracula's power, but instead becomes trapped as a vampire in a sealed coffin until the funky '70s, when he is inexplicably freed by a couple of gay interior decorators (who he kills immediately).
Featuring a triple scoop of violence, sex, and funk music, Blacula has all the important features of any blaxploitation film, including terrible directing, worse acting, and a script that would make Battlefield Earth's screenwriters hide their faces in shame.
Interview with the Vampire
This movie could have been pretty decent, despite its roots as an Anne Rice novel: It's got Brad Pitt and Kirsten Dunst, who aren't terrible actors, absent the latter's embarrassing performances in the Spiderman series.
But there's also a couch-jumping, alien-worshipping elephant in the room, and with Tom Cruise in the role of the vampire Lestat, this film falls apart faster than Lindsay Lohan in a liquor store.
Sporting a fluffy blond wig and teeth that puff his cheeks out squirrel-like, Cruise flounces around the set in a huff for most of the film--when he isn't busy staring angrily into the darkness. Except for the whole "being fugly" thing, he could easily be regarded as a proto-Edward: over-earnest and aloof, boasting all the charisma of a lobotomized porcupine.
Bloodrayne is a film based on a video game. It's also directed by Uwe Boll. If that weren't enough to send you screaming, it stars Ben Kingsley, Michelle Rodriguez, Mealoaf, and Michael "This Movie Is Gonna Suck" Madsen, who might as well be playing a brick wall.
The source material seemed kinda cool; in the game you play a hot Nazi-killing vampire babe in WWII Germany. The setting allowed for skin-tight SS costumes and a novel, steam-punkish vibe.
Inexplicably, Boll decided to set his film version in a generic, brown 18th-century fantasy Europe and chose a script so boring and predictable you could watch it with the sound off and miss nothing. The whole thing has such an sheen of amateur work about it that you can practically hear people yelling "I rolled a 13 with my +1 longsword!" in the background.
Ok, so this one's technically an HBO series, not a movie. But its sheer terribleness transcends the traditional boundaries of form to land it on our list.
First, there are the godawful Southern accents, drippingly overdone by actors trying to hide their natural British or Aussie accents.
Then there's the obsession with sex--and take it from us, we don't mind a little sex in our vampire shows. But True Blood massively overplays the dirty bits, to the point that by the end of the first season, we were getting bored with seeing Anna Paquin's boobs. That's really hard to do.
Add onto the mix a heavy-handed metaphor whereby vampire rights stand in for gay rights ("Coming out of the coffin," get it? get it?), and you've got the worst thing to happen to HBO since Deadwood got canceled.
This epically bad horror/comedy monstrosity stars a pre-Ace Ventura Jim Carrey as a high school kid eager to lose his v-card. To everyone's surprise, along comes a seductive cougar, who takes Carrey back to her place.
But wait! It turns out this MILF is actually an ancient vampire, out for Carrey's virgin blood in order to sustain her immortality. What follows is a string of weak dialogue, unfunny jokes, and over-the-top '80s movie shtick that just falls flat. The high point of the film is a surreal, random dance-off between the fempire and Carrey's girlfriend.