The trashiest of trashy celebrity memoirs

Categories: Books
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Photo by RLHyde
Your kids are finally heading back to school in a few weeks, which means you can finally stop putting on a front and pretending that education is important. Now it's all about drinking at 8:25 a.m. and filling your brain with celebrity STD stories.

When it comes to milking the final few seconds from their 15 minutes of fame, most celebs have come to realize that the easiest way to make a few bucks is to air out their own dirty laundry, providing explicit details about some of their most shameful moments. While unknown authors sit at home, tirelessly working on their literary masterpiece, Tommy Lee is burning up the NY Times bestseller list giving his side of the Pam Anderson sex tape scandal (for the record, Tommyland is amazing).

The only problem is, with so many people lining up to share their "shocking" stories, how do you separate the quality smut (Slash, most '80s child actors) from the imitators (video vixens, most '90s child actors)?

In what can only be described as the most hard-hitting expose you'll read all day, we've tirelessly researched each and every trash memoir we could find, in order to compile the trashiest (best) celebrity memoirs ever penned.
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Bunny Tales by Izabella St. James

Back before being Hugh Hefner's girlfriend was the fast-track to a TV deal, living in the Playboy Mansion was totally shrouded in mystery. Fortunately, Izabella St. James was one of Hef's girlfriends back before it was cool to be a Girl Next Door, and had no problem giving up the dirt. Sure, the stories about the strict rules and curfews handed down by Hef, as well as the backstabbing and fighting amongst girlfriends is interesting, but the real reason for reading this book is to answer the question we've all spent a good amount of time contemplating: What is like to bone an 80-year-old man?  

I'm not going to spoil the surprise, but it involves massages, videos, and oil. What's that? You've never thought about an 80-year-old man covered in oil? You're welcome then!

(Stop lying. Everyone has thought of it. EVERYONE.)

Behind the Bell by Dustin Diamond

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Poor Screech. Dude just needs money in the worst way.

This "memoir" is especially sad, not just because of the crazy amount of typos throughout the book, but because he flat-out admits that some of his material is based solely on "things he heard from reliable sources." Still, stories about how he was rocking it with foreign chicks at Disneyland (in fairness, haven't we ALL had at least one illicit encounter at Disney?) along with crazy rumors about all of the girls in the cast lining up to take a turn on Bayside High's finest bachelors is totally the pervy guilty pleasure every product of bad 90's TV can appreciate. In a day and age where every television show and movie is getting its own XXX parody, this is closest thing to the real deal you can get. God bless you, Dustin Diamond.

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Ron Jeremy: The Hardest (Working) Man in Showbiz by Ron Jeremy

Okay, okay. We admit this one is kind of a gimme, but seriously? How can you exclude a book that includes a detailed story about a young boy who realized he could fellate himself?

The Hedgehog goes through his storied porn career in detail, giving readers an unfiltered look at his life on and off the screen. As a trashy bonus, we also get some insight into his time on The Surreal Life and what it was like getting to know Vanilla Ice on an intimate level. It's about as deep as you expect.

Killing Willis by Todd Bridges

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Guess what? Willis used to be the muscle for a small time drug dealer. And that was post-Diff'rent Strokes fame.

This memoir was actually pretty sad and intense, and Bridges lays it all out when talking about being molested as a kid by his publicist, his insane drug problems (he used to run numerous drug houses), and famous run-ins with the law. However, his stories about hooking up with Dana Plato on set as well as what a giant dick (pun intended) Gary Coleman turned into make this the premier child actor cautionary tale. The book ends on a high-note, with Todd cleaning himself up and being a positive influence. However, the real comeback in our eyes is when he beat the shit out of Vanilla Ice in celebrity boxing back in the early 2000s.

In case you aren't sensing a theme, if you're a fading celebrity whose life has bottomed out at some point, Vanilla Ice is sure to be close by.


Twilight by Stephanie Meyer

Truthfully, I've never read this story. However, from what I understand from TV, this Stephanie person was a sad emo chick who loved vampires and Native American bros without their shirts on.

(*Checks with Wikipedia*)

Upon closer inspection, this is not a celebrity tell-all. Just a 15-year-old girl's guide to being socially awkward. Books are weird these days.

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Disappointed that Miley Cyrus' "Miles to Go" isn't on this list. I don't know anyone who needed  to know about her life.. 16 years of life, that is.

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