New Year's resolution fail: Facebook-style

Categories: Holidays
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OMG you guys! New Year's Eve is just a few days away, and that means it's, like, totally time to hop online and let everyone know that 2012 is going to be YOUR year!

Stop it. Just stop it.

It's that time of the season where everyone becomes an eternal optimist, setting goals and making blanket statements with the best intentions for the year ahead. Losing weight, traveling more, not catching chlamydia; basically whatever you're ashamed of from 2011, this is the time to wish it away beginning January 1.

While there's nothing wrong with making a few New Year's resolutions, there's a growing trend out there thanks to this new thing called "Facebook" where people can't fight the urge to share their respective goals with the world. And that's a problem.

To help you avoid looking like a complete asshole this new year, we've put together some basic tips for broadcasting your resolutions on the FB. Be sure to "like" it!*

(*Reminder: Facebook is the worst.)

Choose your timetable

Quick question: When you say you're going make this the "best year eva!" is there a statute of limitations on that? What if the first six months are killer, but then something bad happens like your BFF throws your BF an HJ while you're passed out at the prom after party, or the world really comes to an end in 2012? Is it still the best year eva? No, no it is not.

That's why you need to be more specific about the date and time when throwing out blanket resolutions like this one. Try choosing a best month eva. Or a best weekend. We recommend choosing something in the first half of January, since it's usually a slow season for bad shiz, and all the good TV shows start up again. Plus, if you tell people you're going to have the "best January 9 eva!" and then you do it? BOOM! You're all wrapped up for the year and you can spend the next 11+ months eating homemade nachos.

Leave your friends out of it

Look, we get it; your friends are awesome. But just because you love them and created an awkward acronym for your crew using the first letter of your first names (P.K.B.T. 4 life!) doesn't mean you need to hitch your New Year's resolution horse to their wagon.

Status updates that group your posse into your resolution are a terrible idea. For example: "Me and my girls are going to own 2012!" See what you did there? Now your goal for the new year is only as strong as your weakest friend. If you and three of your girls have a great 2012, but one of them just spends the year being sad and posting photos of meals they made on Facebook, you fail as a collective.

Admit it; you know exactly which of your friends we're talking about right now, don't you?

On the flipside, if you're a complete downer then the last thing anyone wants is you screwing up their resolutions with your bullshit. Ride solo, bozo.

Leave the sad-trombone in 2011

It's called a NEW YEAR'S resolution for a reason. No one cares about how awful your year was in 2011 (though they also probably don't care about your plans for 2012, but whatevs). That's why status updates like, "So glad to be leaving this terrible year in the past! 2012 here I come!" are garbage. Now all you're doing is asking -- no, begging -- for people to pander to you and respond with comments like, "What happened? R U OK?" or "Yeah! We're making 2012 our year!" (see above). Leave 2011 where it belongs. Instead, start brainstorming your first cryptic, sad status update of the new year.

Stay off of Facebook

This is probably the most practical piece of advice. Thanks to the new timeline feature that kids are flipping out about, you can now quickly and easily see exactly what you were doing three, four, five years in the past. That means whatever you post this December 31 will haunt your digital world forever. Do you really want to reflect back on how you, in fact, did not "make big changes in 2012!" five years down the road?

This New Year's Eve, leave your cell phone at home and your laptop closed, no matter how inspired you feel by that new Jim Belushi movie to start the year off with some empty online promises. It will not end well.

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4 comments
Swami Prakashanand Saraswati
Swami Prakashanand Saraswati

The statement which I liked most in all over the post is 'You're all wrapped up for the year and you can spend the next 11+ months eating homemade nachos.'

John
John

Fuck facebook

Troy Blackford
Troy Blackford

DAMMIT! I had almost made it all the way to the end of 2011, having the BEST 2011 EVA, when you brought me WAY DOWN with this! ;) 363 best eva days FAIL!

Jason Carle
Jason Carle

Yeah, I signed in with facebook to make this comment...  ;-)

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