How to defeat the Harlem Globetrotters

Categories: Comedy
globetrotters.JPG
Remember back in 2010 when everyone got all pissy about Lebron James, Chris Bosch, and Dwayne Wade being on the same team? When everyone called them a "super team" and said they were going to kill the competitive spirit of basketball? 

Apparently, those people forgot about the Globetrotters.

The Harlem Globetrotters have been traveling the world (or trotting the globe, as it were. Sorry) for over 80 years, racking up over 20,000 wins against horribly over-matched opponents, which seems to almost always be the Washington Generals. This weekend, Special K, Flight Time, Scooter, and the rest of the Globetrotters are bringing their hijinks to the Target Center for two games which will undoubtedly be a roundball massacre. But it doesn't have to be.

To help even the odds, we've done some research into basketball's real super team, and put together a cheat-sheet on how to defeat the Harlem Globetrotters.

Pants on the ground

This is a staple in the Globetrotter arsenal. Typically this happens during a tense moment of the game, like in this clip where the opposing player is preparing to shoot a free throw. The Globetrotter sneaks up and pulls down his pants, causing him to miss the shot and be super embarrassed.


So what's the solution? One word: leggings. 

Listen, it's 2012. Women are wearing leggings as pants on casual Fridays at offices all over the country, and there's no reason the Generals shouldn't be allowed to sport them at game time. I mean, seriously, what are the refs going to say? The Globetrotters are wearing ski masks. Best of all, it will bring some serious sex appeal to the game, allowing the Generals to find a new demographic all their own. 

The confetti bucket

In fairness, this is a pretty funny trick. This is the one where a Globetrotter player chases after someone with what appears to be a bucket of water. However, once he launches it, the poor embarrassed schmuck learns that it was just hilarious confetti, and now he's mentally taken out of his game.


In this case, our advice would be to strike first. As soon as you see that dude pick up a bucket, you grab your own confetti cannon (cannons > buckets any day), and start blasting. Your aggression and ability to take it one step further will strike fear into your opponents, and disarm them from trying anything else. 

It's just like dealing with homeless dudes -- you gotta out crazy the crazy.

The water bucket

This is usually a continuation of the confetti bucket trick where the opposing team, now feeling foolish as a result of the confetti shower, no longer fear the bucket. As a result, they're even more shocked when the next bucket is filled with cold water, drenching them from head to toe.


That ain't right. 

We're in no way condoning violence or saying you should ruin an otherwise fun family show, but if a grown man or woman throws a bucket of water on you; you have permission to stomp that fool. Don't believe us? Head on down to your local playground this weekend where some dudes are playing ball. Throw a bucket of water on one of them and see what happens. And kiss your face goodbye.

Alright Generals, the ball is in your court. You have the intel, now it's up to you to use it. Good luck, and stay dry out there.

IF YOU GO:

Harlem Globetrotters
Friday at 7 p.m., Saturday at 2 p.m.
$20
Target Center
600 First Ave. N., Minneapolis

Location Info

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Target Center

600 1st Ave. N., Minneapolis, MN

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