This weekend, thousands of you will descend on Spring Creek Motocross in Millville for the Run for Your Lives 5K, where your job will be to snatch the brains out of runners who are brave enough to take on the obstacle course.
And yes, while we realize that "officially" all you'll be attempting to do is capture the "health flags" that participants will have tied around their waists while they attempt to elude you and reach the finish line/safe-zone, there's no reason why you, the zombie nation, should be at any sort of a disadvantage against the slightly more able-bodied, living runners. That's why in preparation of this weekend's apocalypse, we've decided to bequeath our wealth of zombie knowledge upon you, so that you can rack up the body count this Saturday.
Tip #1: Cast a wide net
Okay zombie bros and lady bros, let's be real with each other. This weekend you're going to see thousands of runners of all ages, genders, and athletic abilities. While you're out there, your mostly-missing undead brains may think, "I really need to stick to people in good shape, and shouldn't single anyone out." Wrong.
Don't be afraid to start going after every living person who moves. The 56-year-old dude who looks winded after a mile? He's brunch. High-school girls who are scared of the mud? They're like a squealing buffet of brains. There's no shame in your game when it comes to feasting on the living, so drop your ego at the door and get to eatin'.
Photo by Billie Weiss
Tip #2: The crazier the costume, the easier (and tastier) the catch
Sure, you'll see plenty of people in crazy costumes, thinking this is just a fun little afternoon run. Some cool guys might dress as pimps or inmates, some fine ladies may think being superheroes will save them, and at least one tasteless dude is going to show up trying to look like his face was already eaten (way to ruin everything as usual, Florida). The key is to focus on them because they are like sitting ducks. With flags.
Chances are they won't be taking this very seriously, which will be a serious mistake when you're picking them out of your teeth. See a costume? Consider it a target.*
(*Unless you see someone carrying a real axe. They obviously don't get that this is a joke and you need to stay away from them at all costs. ESPECIALLY if they aren't wearing running clothes.)
Photo by Billie Weiss
Tip #3: There IS a "Z" in teamwork
Lastly, let's stop competing with each other and start helping one another. Partner up with your fellow zombie brethren and corner people instead of trying to be a hero. After all, if we eat everyone's brains, aren't we all winners?
Consider setting sweet zombie traps for unsuspecting runners. Or, perhaps pretend to be a Thriller flash-mob. Living people LOVE Thriller. Then, once you've hypnotized them with your sick dance moves (along with some unsuspecting spectators), let the massacre commence.
The competitive advantage is yours; good luck, and stay hungry out there.
(On a serious note, the rules of the event clearly state that no zombies are to touch participants in any way other than to grab their flags. Likewise, you can't touch the zombies so save your zombie bashing for the privacy of your own home. K?)