If you've ever been to an independent pro wrestling show (independent = basically any wrestling show that isn't WWE, where you can get drunk for much cheaper), then you know what a blast they are. And if you've never been to one, you'll have your chance this weekend.
This Saturday night, F1RST Wrestling invades First Avenue for the first bone-splitting, face-smashing, spandex-wearing show of 2013. In addition to featuring dudes with sweet names like "The Anarchist" Arik Cannon, Sheik Arya Daivari, and 6% Body Fat Rob James, Wrestlepalooza will also include a burlesque performance from Queenie Von Curves and Musette the Mistress of Mischief, and music from Fat Wreck Chords pop-punk outfit Masked Intruder.
While there are plenty of reasons to attend the show this weekend, you might still be thinking "I've never been to an event like this. What if I don't fit in and look like a total asshole?" We've got you covered.
To help you prepare for this weekend's big show, we're giving you the four most important lessons you need to know about how to make the most of an indy wrestling event. Let's get smarky (that's for the wrestling dorks).
1) Start practicing your chants: Unlike big shows at places like Target Center or Xcel, when you chant something at a wrestler at an indy show, he (or she) can hear you. Some of the classiest and most commonly heard chants include:
"You f**cked up!" - Whenever a wrestler botches a move
"She's a crack-whore! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)" - Yelled at pretty much any female who steps in the ring
"Clean your a**hole! (clap, clap, clap-clap-clap)" - Mostly reserved for bouncers and dudes who clean up the ring
Wrestling fans are some of the smartest -- and filthiest -- people you'll ever meet when it comes to chants. If you really want to stand out, you'll either need to be the filthiest OR the friendliest. Trust us; if you start a friendly chant that features positive affirmation, you will make indy wrestling history. Here's one to get you started:
"Nice-job-wax-ing!" - Any dude who looks like he did a nice job waxing his body hair. This is not reserved just for wrestlers.
2) Never touch a wrestler: The fun thing about shows like the one you'll be seeing this Saturday is that you can interact with the wrestlers. You can talk smack, high-five, and be a little part of the show. However, there is one rule that some people forget: They're still wrestlers, and they will kick your ass.
As someone who has seen several boozed-up, overzealous "fans" try and lay their hands on some of wrestling's up-and-coming superstars, only to get the bejesus kicked out of them, I can honestly tell you that physical contact is a bad idea. Especially if said-wrestler has a ponytail. Let this rule be your guide: The longer the ponytail, the more likely they are to work at Hot Topic. Oh, and the shorter the fuse so be cool.
Unless you're a little kid, in which case crotch-shots are always hilarious.
3) Homemade masks are always awesome: This is a dress code tip. Wrestling masks are always dope. Always. But only at wrestling events. Don't let this window of opportunity close. Otherwise, you'll be back to being the predator at the dog park, and no one wants that.
Whether you're a hardcore wrasslin' fan (Bonus tip: never use the word "wrasslin'." Wrestling fans hate that) or a casual observer, this weekend's show is definitely the best way to spend a Saturday night. Get your mask and start your chanting.