YOU GUYS. The best month of the whole year is here.
While this is usually the time of year when people start getting excited about the impending warm weather, vacations, and trashy hook-ups on Big Island, the reality is that March is the coolest month of the entire year.
What's that? You're that Debbie Downer who disagrees and hates March (and probably America)? Well then you should stop reading and get back to blaming your parents for everything. As for everyone else, here are the top five reasons why March is better than those other 11 garbage months on the calendar:
For people who work in cubicles: March Madness
Please notice that it doesn't say "for people who love college basketball." March Madness isn't about basketball. It's about office gambling on schools you've never heard of, stealing company time by watching games on your computer, and talking about how you "knew" Wichita State was going to be the Cinderella team this year.
The best part of March Madness is that without fail, the person who wins the office pool is always the least likely candidate, meaning this is the one sports-related thing that your accounting department has a chance in.
For bros who be drinkin': St. Patrick's Day
Bros. BROS. Get psyched: St. Patrick's Day is the official kickoff to outdoor drinking season.
No matter how brutally cold it gets, bros of all shapes will be flooding their favorite drinking establishments, pounding green Coors Lights and Guinness (these dudes will also spend an hour explaining how they are one-sixteenth Irish, and that's why they're so good at drinking), and giving shamrock Mardi Gras beads to chicks in green corsets.
Fun fact: Did you know that St. Patrick's Day is actually a religious holiday named after one of the patron saints of Ireland? WHO CARES BRO?! TIME FOR ANOTHER IRISH CAR BOMB BROSEF!
For people who like running: Get Lucky 7K and 21K
If you're one of those weirdos who feels like they need to earn their booze by exercising before drinking, the biggest (literally) road race of the year just happens to take place in March. With over 20,000 participants, the Get Lucky 7K and 21K is largest race in Minnesota. More of a party on legs than a race, the event covers both Minneapolis and St. Paul, and is a great way to burn calories before drinking them back up.
The best part? The Get Lucky race is the day BEFORE St. Patty's, giving you an excuse to get day-drunk two days in a row!
For people who love Channing Tatum: GI Joe
Let's stop bullshitting each other; Channing Tatum is awesome. Whether you got amped about his abs in Magic Mike, think he was hilarious in 21 Jump Street, or fell in love with his boyish charm in She's the Man, C-Tates has mad-crossover appeal.
This month, our boy is going to make moviegoers smarter with the release of the new GI Joe movie, which will likely feature our chiseled hero doing the following:
1) Blowing shit up
2) Removing his shirt
If you don't love at least one of those things, you're not a person who deserves to live in this world. God bless you, Magic Mike.
For everyone who has a pulse: Shamrock Shakes
FUCKING SHAMROCK SHAKES ARE BACK AT MCDONALDS. Done.
Yes, it's cold and snowy, and no, there is no end to winter in sight. But for the next four weeks, you can forget about everything that sucks in the world and remember why life is worth living.