An open letter to James Franco: Do the Double Dick Dude

Categories: WTF
franco-leather-bar.png
Publicity photo. Franco in Interior. Leather Bar.

James,

By now, your buddies have forwarded you the Reddit Ask Me Anything where a 24-year-old man with Diphallia -- a.k.a. two penises -- says he wants to give you a facial. Say yes.

Let's get through the superficial reasons first. This magical male unicorn (er, twonicorn?) is anonymous, which I estimate will last about another week. But here's what we know about him so far: He's sex-positive, brave, bisexual, and in a committed relationship with a man and a woman who've given him permission to cheat -- but only with you.

Deducing from his aw-shucks revelations, Double Dick Dude is handsome enough to have racked up a decent number of sexual partners, and he has the charisma to turn straight men bi-curious, something I bet you've witnessed first-hand yourself at an open bar party at Sundance.

You're a busy man. But you've got the time management skills to squeeze in an hour of bewildering, memorable pleasure. Yet there's a bigger argument for experiencing Double Dick Dude's combined 13 inches of glory. In fact, you argued it yourself in your recent film Interior. Leather Bar. when you convinced a straight, married actor named Val Lauren to recreate the lost X-rated footage of Al Pacino's Cruisin' by participating in a gay orgy.

As you told Lauren, we've been indoctrinated by a heteronormative Hollywood. "Every toilet paper commercial has a man and a woman living in a house together," you said, and that's how 95 percent of our romantic films wind up, too. Interior. Leather Bar. hinges on getting our culture as comfortable with onscreen gay sex as we are with the big-titted dry-humping on Cinemax. You're already comfortable, standing in the center of the sweat with a camera, calling the tender man-on-man make-outs "beautiful and attractive."

And just as Double Dick Dude was heroically casual about having a boyfriend, you're one of the rare actors brave enough to shrug off questions about your sexuality. This spring, you insisted to the Daily Beast, "I don't even care if people think I'm gay... I wish I was gay." Then you proved it, pretending to own a five-foot statue of a penis in This Is the End and laughing through the 26 -- yes, 26 -- gay jokes at your expense during your Comedy Central roast, even when Jonah Hill described you as our generation's Johnny Depp, "if Johnny Depp was a worse actor who blew guys."

Sure, boning Double Dick Dude would just be drilling home the point you made with Interior. Leather Bar. But instead of being a sidelined instigator, now you could put your mouth where your morals are. Plus, if you also framed the fling as an embrace of polyamory, it would literally be a two-for. Imagine sitting down with Double Dick Dude and his partners to discuss your emotional and physical boundaries. You four could demonstrate the honesty and communication that are tenets of committed multi-person relationships. Members of the increasingly visible polyamorous community are positioning themselves to be the next sexual civil rights movement, and you'd be right there on the forefront. On your knees.

With their permission, you can capture the adventure in whatever art form you think best fits: documentary, short story, watercolor, seminar, haiku. Just know that your simultaneous blowjob will be simultaneously striking a blow against bigotry and narrow-mindedness while making our hearts flush with the dizzying configurations of love in 2014.

Plenty of people are rooting for this hook-up to happen for their own prurient fantasies, like a drunk frat guy begging two girls to kiss. I wouldn't make that appeal to a woman, so I also can't do it to a man. Instead I'm appealing to you as an artist, activist, and humanitarian. Give Double Dick Dude a call and rock his -- and our -- worlds.

C'mon Franco. Take two for the team.

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18 comments
Drewey
Drewey topcommenter

Compelling argument,  I think Franco should do it.  I also think its time for double dick dudes 15 minutes in city pages...this has March cover written all over it.  

John Bakken
John Bakken

You guys it's just an article settle the hell down. An article talking about James Franco at that, so stop whining :P

Cal NotPorn McCaskill
Cal NotPorn McCaskill

Seriously. Get your heads out of your asses and report on something really life changing for Minneapolis rather than praising hipsters and ignoring police brutality out here. You guys are soft and not making any fucking difference at all. You repost photos from shows, have some catty shit popping off, and don't report on anything interesting. You repost shit, and I am disgusted that you call yourselves journalists. You are fucking ridiculous. Get some real people on your team and stop reporting on such ridiculous bullshit. Someone needs to teach you fuckasses a lesson. Idiotic, brainless fucks.

Susan King
Susan King

Double dick dude should totally be a character on South Park!

Merete Larson
Merete Larson

CP WTF STFU. Journalism my @ss, what is going on with this publication?! Amy, seriously, what are your credentials?

Dan Mason
Dan Mason

Maybe you should go take a nap outside with this bullshit "story".

Heather Goodwin
Heather Goodwin

This is awesome... I got hooked reading that damn reddit thread all night the other day.

mingtran
mingtran topcommenter

What a weird, pointless article. You should do the double dick dude.

Jean Claude Cau
Jean Claude Cau

Couldn't you find a Michelle Bachmann tie-in to this story?

Greg Carlson
Greg Carlson

The Prudes need to give it a rest... I found this article not only interesting.. but fascinating as well .. Why do Americans have such a difficult time with sexuality.. Never understood it. Thank you CP!

Joe Finnegan
Joe Finnegan

Wow. It must be a slow day... even for the city pages. I mean I've heard of bad, stupid, and pointless articles that lack substance and any semblance of meaning, but you lot really should have just stayed at home today instead of putting this many words worth of effort into further lowering the already rock-bottom standards of "journalism" you so tabloid-ally exemplify. It's not a contest to lower quality of content lower than today's temperature, guys!

McLain Causey
McLain Causey

Well, there's a few moments I'll never get back, for the mere price of a horrifying image that is stuck in my head for eternity. Thanks.

MNjoe
MNjoe topcommenter

This is meant to a sarcastic, humorous piece - basically someone's opinion - it's not meant to be serious journalism. Have you not read CP before?

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