The 10 worst places in Minneapolis
All right, now it's time to get your organic ice-cream cone smashed in your sunburned face by reality: It's not all smiles here in Minneapolis. Regardless of the shining sun and typically temperate weather, sometimes this place still totally sucks. Rather than having your summer delusions ruined, we'd like to help you avoid some of the city's most disturbing and festering hellholes by presenting you with a list of the 10 worst places in Minneapolis, in no particular order.
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People don't understand that the most dangerous part of Minneapolis is actually this intersection and the nearby blocks after 10 p.m. Thursday to Sunday. This is the place where you will get shoulder-checked by a dude in a crisp, button-up white shirt because you got too close to him as you tried to sidestep some glittery vomit. Make it past the first boss of this sinister level and you'll probably be hit by a car and then called a homophobic insult after it happens. It's too bad we can't just lock all of these people up on the outdoor patios and keep them there until they start eating each other.
Whatever happened to secret passageways being gateways to awesome dungeons or, at the very least, being home to an oily brigade of anarchist mutants? In Minneapolis, what should be one the coolest and most progressive parts of the city turns out to be a confusing labyrinth reminiscent of a Brooklyn Center mall -- only you don't get to throw shopping carts down an escalator or get eaten by a minotaur. Plus, it allows already awkward and shy Minnesotans an opportunity to avoid any chance of interacting with the average proletariat on the street -- the people who have no business inside the tunnel of solitude as they're not searching for designer clothes or a $75 haircut.
Dinkytown was always plagued by chest-beating bros and two-shot wasteoids tripping over each other, but at least at some point there were places to hang out at that you weren't ashamed to be seen in. Whatever character was hardly in Dinkytown to begin with is now rapidly being fed to demons and transformed into one of the three major drugstores or a corporate sandwich shop. Seeing as how half the people who move to Minneapolis for school come from rural areas where people navigate according to where the Walmart is, it's fairly fitting to witness the area cruelly shapeshift into a giant strip mall in central Ohio.