The 10 worst places in Minneapolis

Categories: Lists
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Summertime in Minneapolis -- what could be better? You can ride your bike to the farmers market, drink a summer shandy on the beach, and maybe buy a T-shirt that says "I [PICTURE OF MN] MINNEAPOLIS" in huge letters to show the world your unbridled passion for the greatest city of all time. (Locally printed by an aspiring EDM artist or some shit, of course.)

All right, now it's time to get your organic ice-cream cone smashed in your sunburned face by reality: It's not all smiles here in Minneapolis. Regardless of the shining sun and typically temperate weather, sometimes this place still totally sucks. Rather than having your summer delusions ruined, we'd like to help you avoid some of the city's most disturbing and festering hellholes by presenting you with a list of the 10 worst places in Minneapolis, in no particular order.

See also:
50 reasons we love summer in Minnesota


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bradleypjohnson
10. The intersection of Hennepin Avenue and Lake Street

People don't understand that the most dangerous part of Minneapolis is actually this intersection and the nearby blocks after 10 p.m. Thursday to Sunday. This is the place where you will get shoulder-checked by a dude in a crisp, button-up white shirt because you got too close to him as you tried to sidestep some glittery vomit. Make it past the first boss of this sinister level and you'll probably be hit by a car and then called a homophobic insult after it happens. It's too bad we can't just lock all of these people up on the outdoor patios and keep them there until they start eating each other.
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Wendy
The shortest skyway ever?
9. The Skyways

Whatever happened to secret passageways being gateways to awesome dungeons or, at the very least, being home to an oily brigade of anarchist mutants? In Minneapolis, what should be one the coolest and most progressive parts of the city turns out to be a confusing labyrinth reminiscent of a Brooklyn Center mall -- only you don't get to throw shopping carts down an escalator or get eaten by a minotaur. Plus, it allows already awkward and shy Minnesotans an opportunity to avoid any chance of interacting with the average proletariat on the street -- the people who have no business inside the tunnel of solitude as they're not searching for designer clothes or a $75 haircut.

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Jeramey Jannene
8. Dinkytown

Dinkytown was always plagued by chest-beating bros and two-shot wasteoids tripping over each other, but at least at some point there were places to hang out at that you weren't ashamed to be seen in. Whatever character was hardly in Dinkytown to begin with is now rapidly being fed to demons and transformed into one of the three major drugstores or a corporate sandwich shop. Seeing as how half the people who move to Minneapolis for school come from rural areas where people navigate according to where the Walmart is, it's fairly fitting to witness the area cruelly shapeshift into a giant strip mall in central Ohio.

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272 comments
aacostacub
aacostacub

From someone thar has lived in Miami, Orlando, Atlanta, New York City, Boston, and now Minneapolis I can say that the author of this article is spot on. All of these places are awful yet you bumpkins seem to think they are magical. Skyways pull traffic from the street and are killing Nicollette Mall. Uptown is a postage stamp with no great nightclubs or restaurants. Other cities look at the cespool that is Hidden Beach and just laugh. Not to mention that Minneapolis has a super short, extremely hot summer. 105 degrees after 5 months of negative degrees. No thanks.

Maybe you have to live in Minneapolis, but you dont have to sound like an idiot for saying everything is great all the time.

michaelgreenwell100
michaelgreenwell100

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Im2funnyForMyShoes
Im2funnyForMyShoes

Hey I love that Kmart on Nicollet.  Where the hell else am I supposed to get my TS hookers.

Also think im gonna go sleeze up hidden beach this weekend.  Love you Mn.


shvi
shvi

To my record, city pages wasn't a satirical blog.. so my thoughts on this is someone wasn't invited to college parties...

Keith Parkes
Keith Parkes

Perfect - after growing up on the north side, working downtown as a teenager and living as an adult in uptown 20 years ago before the "hip stores and condos" moved in - allot of the issues were here then, Kmart blocking off Nicollet etc- moved in 91 but return regularly Mpls a beautiful place but like everywhere has its warts. Now let's talk about the Vikes awesome new stadium - Skol vikes!

Gena Giselle
Gena Giselle

Cthu! This article just made my night. Thank you City Pages!

Stefanie Berres
Stefanie Berres

City Pages Online: This isn't the first time this year I am reading a poorly written or majorly outdated so-called "Hipster Advice" article by you. I am disappointed by the condescending, judgmental tone and/or the overuse of the f-word. I also do not find anything hilarious about this list. It reads like an annoying, repetitive Facebook rant that somehow got out of hand. I'll just stick with your printed version for now.

Jeremy Deysach
Jeremy Deysach

Can we add the offices of the City Pages to this list?

Drew Ailes
Drew Ailes

this HIPSTER POSEUR needs to go back to the bay area and put more organic beezwax on his mustache!!!! I bet he listens to KINGS OF LEON and STAIND and CRYSTAL CASTLES

Shawn Spence
Shawn Spence

I didn't miss it, and it sucked the first time.

Jeremy Deysach
Jeremy Deysach

The cover photo you are talking about emily is a meme mocking pukey hipsters

Chris Carroll
Chris Carroll

You people get so butthurt about some low-level city pages writer trying to get clicks

Veronica Hang
Veronica Hang

How could someone post something like that? One of the places is actually one of my favorite...

Emily Scott
Emily Scott

Ohh.. Love it and totally agree!! Especially army surplus on 1st ave.. Love that store!! I always keep in mind for zombie apocalypse

Lola House
Lola House

some of them were dead on, though. for instance, #10....

James Dvorak Jr
James Dvorak Jr

as a friend put it: "I guess this guys never been to the north side eh?"

Nadine Hazel
Nadine Hazel

Screw you! Don't live here or go home!!!

Chris Olsen
Chris Olsen

Oh, City Pages Minneapolis, you forgot to take your medication again. Your "worst of" and "best of" lists are practically one in the same. But kudos to you for getting what you always wanted... web traffic.

Nick Stewart
Nick Stewart

The vast majority of it is condescending, pretentious assbagery.

Phillip Edwards
Phillip Edwards

I've always said Dinkytown has the worst of everything. It's got a few gems but that's it.

Nick Stewart
Nick Stewart

Also another one to add to the list: #11, wherever the pretentious hipster, skinny jeans wearing, dumbass mustache growing writer of this article is.

Alli Valppu
Alli Valppu

Coming from a small town kid... Minneapolis is not that bad, yes there are bad things that happen but you find that anywhere

Karen Watson
Karen Watson

I love Mpls. I'd rather be here, then say, Blaine or Coon Rapids.

Danielle Demko
Danielle Demko

This is a terrible list, sounds like random personal venting. Also, you apparently define culture and humanity by drug deals and overdoses? If that's what worked the hidden beach off your list, save the advice.

jfzellie
jfzellie

I love Minneapolis, but have not lived there in 40 years, too cold, too many bugs, mosquitoes.


aacostacub
aacostacub

Satire can't be this spot on. Minneapolis is a horrible city. Have you even lived any where outside the frozen north midwest to compare?

aacostacub
aacostacub

A troll? He is spot on. Have you even lived anywhere outside of the Northern midwest?

aacostacub
aacostacub

Classic Minnesotans. "We live in the best place in the world don't insult our city". Minneapolis is a dump. The peoples of Boston, Denver, Seattle let articles like this roll of their backs because they live in places so great they defend themselves.

aacostacub
aacostacub

Have you even lived anywhere outside of the northern midwest? Maybe he is right. Minneapolis is a dump.

aacostacub
aacostacub

Minneapolis is a dump. Have you even lived outside of the Northern midwest? Place isa dump.

aacostacub
aacostacub

I would compare Blaine to Minneapolis. Compare it to other major cities like Seattle, Tampa, Boston. When you do you begin to realize what a dump Minni is.

aacostacub
aacostacub

Ok, so the skyways and KMart are great places? Hidden Beach is a nice place? Try living somewhere else

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