This Friday we were sent the newest in the Schell beer family, Lakemaid's Beer, a beer brewed in New Ulm, MN. The marketing is a little dubious: Bottles are festooned with a variety of ladies that are half fish, half bikini babe. What follows is a transcription of my coworkers and I as we sample this fish/lady-themed beer.

(Ward Rubrecht and Jessica Armbruster open beer, look at the message under the bottle cap)

Jessica Armbruster: 2 pounds, large mouth.

Ward Rubrecht: Boot?

JA: Huh. What does that mean?

WR: Oh, I see, you open the bottle and catch something. My label has "Miss Perch," which apparently is a nice Hawaiian lady in a bikini.

JA: I got "Miss Northern Pike," a blonde lady in a hot pink bikini.

WR: Yours is a boney fish with many ribs. It’s billed as the "fisherman’s lager," which encourages drinking and boating!

JA: Scandalous!

WR: According to the label, "A portion of the proceeds goes towards the International Game Fish association."

JA: Nice. (takes sip) Hm. This tastes generic.

WR: Yeah, sort of like Leinie's Red with more hoppiness.

JA: But you know, it's not a bad beer. I could binge drink this some night and not feel bad about it. It’s definitely not a Budweiser or water-y beer. Not aggressively flavorful, yet reasonably tasty.

WR: With all the fishing affiliation, I am pleased to discover there's no aftertaste of pond scum.

JA: I am wary of the marketing though. Women as fish? Wrong. "Miss Sturgeon". I am concerned that "Miss Sturgeon" -- the only African American of the bunch -- is being described as "primitive." That’s really not cool.

WR: I would also like to point out, since I am post-feminist, that they use "Miss" for the title of each fish woman. I am also concerned about the cut-off point for the anatomy of the ladies. They have two sets of guts: Fish and lady. This makes me not want to sleep with any of them. Bad marketing. And, it is marketed to fishermen rather than "fisherpeople."

JA: No, this beer is not particularly gender-friendly.

(Jeff Shaw and Nate Patrin enter the room)

Jeff Shaw: I don’t know that I would be excited to be "Miss Large Mouth."

JA: Wow. Tasteful!

WR: (fixated) I know they're going for the mermaid thing, but it's creepy that they’re half fish, half lady. Does anyone want to make it with a fish?

JS: Her large intestine must be two miles! This is a tasty lager though. I like it. It's sort of like a high-end Lucky Lager. I'm not a beer elitist.

WR: (ponders) Dying with a beer in my hand is how I want to go. Though, probably not with this one.

Nate Patrin: I would like to die in my 80s in a fiery automobile accident. But in a really good car.

WR: The problem is that old people can't drive fast enough for that to work.

JS: What time is it?

JA: 4 p.m.

NP: Time to get ill.

JS: It's always time to get ill.