I Can't Believe It's Not Paint Thinner Vol. 1

Welcome to I Can't Believe It's Not Paint Thinner, a new blog City Pages blog series. Each week the CP staff will put its livers on the line to review the shadiest, strangest, and cheapest alcoholic beverages available.

This week, we're crowding into A-List Editor Jessica Armbruster's office to taste a standard of the 'fortified wine' category, MD 20/20 Orange Jubilee. 'Fortified Wine,' as it's commonly referred to, is a wine-like drink (although some sources claim it's not really wine) with alcohol added to it. This stuff is 13% alcohol by volume, and has been chilling in the fridge all day, in accordance with the label's directions to 'serve cold'. The bottle cost $3.25. Let the gagging begin.

Mike Kooiman: it's like when you open the fridge and you know the OJ is kinda old, and you try it and it's too old. Then you go, 'Oooooh.'

Jeff Guntzel: Not only is this good, this is mad, dog!

Nate Patrin: It's not so much a screwdriver as much as it is a butter knife.

Jessica Armbruster: It reminds me of when I was unemployed. I've had the other flavors. This is the best. The first thing I ever got drunk on was tang and vodka.

JG: Pour this on my grave when I pass.

JA: This is nothing compared to Night Train.

JG: there are times that I have not felt worth 3.25. this is actually quite pleasant.

Ben Palosaari: I think it's in a glass bottle because it would dissolve a plastic one.

NP: This is a war atrocity.
JA: You're so melodramatic.

NP: You'd think it would at least numb my toothache.
Ward Rubrecht: You just haven't had enough.

WR: As much as I don't want to drink this, I want even less to get sick off this.
JA: I've actually never vomited this stuff.
MK: This goes in the column of things Jessica has never vomited from.

(Matt Snyders enters and takes a pull from bottle): This is gross.
Takes swig of diet mt dew. Another swig of MD 20/20: I have a feature I gotta write. I want to finish this stuff just to spite the fucking bottle.
JG: You're the clean up hitter.

MS kills the bottle: Horrible. Horrible.

JA: Don't drink this while pregnant, it will deform your baby. You'll have a Bratz Doll.

Come back next week for another daring review of horrible liquor in I Can't Believe It's Not Paint Thinner.