I Can't Believe It's Not Paint Thinner Vol. 1

Welcome to I Can't Believe It's Not Paint Thinner, a new blog City Pages blog series. Each week the CP staff will put its livers on the line to review the shadiest, strangest, and cheapest alcoholic beverages available.

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This week, we're crowding into A-List Editor Jessica Armbruster's office to taste a standard of the 'fortified wine' category, MD 20/20 Orange Jubilee. 'Fortified Wine,' as it's commonly referred to, is a wine-like drink (although some sources claim it's not really wine) with alcohol added to it. This stuff is 13% alcohol by volume, and has been chilling in the fridge all day, in accordance with the label's directions to 'serve cold'. The bottle cost $3.25. Let the gagging begin.

Mike Kooiman: it's like when you open the fridge and you know the OJ is kinda old, and you try it and it's too old. Then you go, 'Oooooh.'

Jeff Guntzel: Not only is this good, this is mad, dog!

Nate Patrin: It's not so much a screwdriver as much as it is a butter knife.

Jessica Armbruster: It reminds me of when I was unemployed. I've had the other flavors. This is the best. The first thing I ever got drunk on was tang and vodka.

JG: Pour this on my grave when I pass.

JA: This is nothing compared to Night Train.

JG: there are times that I have not felt worth 3.25. this is actually quite pleasant.

Ben Palosaari: I think it's in a glass bottle because it would dissolve a plastic one.

NP: This is a war atrocity.
JA: You're so melodramatic.

NP: You'd think it would at least numb my toothache.
Ward Rubrecht: You just haven't had enough.

WR: As much as I don't want to drink this, I want even less to get sick off this.
JA: I've actually never vomited this stuff.
MK: This goes in the column of things Jessica has never vomited from.


(Matt Snyders enters and takes a pull from bottle): This is gross.
Takes swig of diet mt dew. Another swig of MD 20/20: I have a feature I gotta write. I want to finish this stuff just to spite the fucking bottle.
JG: You're the clean up hitter.

MS kills the bottle:
Horrible. Horrible.

JA: Don't drink this while pregnant, it will deform your baby. You'll have a Bratz Doll.

Come back next week for another daring review of horrible liquor in I Can't Believe It's Not Paint Thinner.


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