I can't believe it's not paint thinner: Night Train Express

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Night Train Express is a controversial wine. Marketed mostly to homeless people, the clinically depressed, and college students, this fortified wine has often been called out amongst civic leaders for promoting public intoxication and vagrancy.

Originally produced by Ernest & Julio Gallo, they quietly cut any association with the product years ago. We can only assume that Night Train production is now either handled by Satan, or someone’s raging alcoholic uncle.

Jessica Armbruster: I first came across Night Train at Big Top Liquors in St. Paul. I was purchasing a flask of MD 20/20. The cashier recommended I try Night Train. That bottle sat in my kitchen for three months before one of my roommates poured it down the sink.

Ben Palosaari: (unscrewing the lid, taking a sniff) Oh my god!

JA: This is going to go well with the Pop Rocks and glazed doughnut in my stomach right now. And my office already smells like cough syrup.

BP: This tastes like rubbing alcohol and grape soda.

Andrea Myers: This tastes like college.

Ward Rubrecht: It’s good, I don’t mind it at all.

JA: That’s because you love artificial grape flavor. My chest is burning.

WR: How much alcohol is in this?

BP: 17.5%.

WR: That’s kinda weak.

Nate Patrin: For a batting average, maybe.

BP: This reminds me of Grape Bubble Tape. Remember that stuff? Also, it’s funny how much slower we’re drinking this compared to MD 20/20.

JA: How much did this cost?

BP: $4.99.

WR: Wow, that’s expensive for hobo wine! It’s the champagne of the shame aisle in the liquor store.

Mike Kooiman enters, takes a sip

MK: What the fuck is this?

JA: I’m pretty sure it’s Oxy–acne pads, rubbing alcohol, and grape soda.

WR: It’s cleaning product and grape soda.

MK: I wish my cleaning products tasted this good! You know what this tastes like? If you went to some dive bar on the iron range, and asked for a Cosmopolitan, this is what they would serve you.

BP: The label is classy too. It says: I like locomotives and alcohol.

WR: It says it’s fortified! That means it has Vitamin C.

(Bradley Campbell enters, takes a swig)

BC: Smooth!

Entire Room: I don’t think we’re drinking the same thing.


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1 comments
LeonardCovitz
LeonardCovitz

If you like to feel like a citrus flavored, 48 car freight train is rolling down the train tracks you call an esophagus and screeching to halt in your backwoods train station of a stomach, pick up a bottle of fine Night Train Express. Pairs well with deep seated alcoholism and very low to no capital.

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