I Can't Believe It's Not Paint Thinner Vol. 6
We're taking a step away from the strange and horrible fortified wine category, and giving malt liquor a chance to make us gag. This week's brew is Colt 45 Double Malt. Malt liquor, the beer equivalent of fortified wine, is slightly stronger than regular beer, and it usually dirt cheap. Strangely, our 40 oz. glass jug of Colt doesn't have the alcohol content on its label. A quick Web search pegs it between 5 and 6 percent. See the greatest beer advertisements ever below.
Lando Calrissian, beer pitchman. "I don't claim you can have a better time with Colt 45 than without it, but why take chances?" Somehow, I don't think that this tagline would be written today. In further malt liquor news, a recent U of M study suggests that more murders take place in places in which malt liquor is prominently advertised.
And it appears James Bond films inspired this wonderful, high-class ads:
Mike Kooiman: This is good.
Bradley Campbell: I like this.
Jessica Armbruster: It's delightful. A refreshing summer beverage.
MK: Ooh, I missed out on the Cisco.
Nate Patrin: this is better than Pabst.
Ward Rubrecht: Pabst is offensive to my tongue.
JA: It's better than High Life. High Life makes me sick some times.
Mk: The perfect use for beers like this is boiling your brats in it.
WR: If I were going to buy cheap beer, I would get this.
BC: This shit reminds me Cleveland. Desperation and loneliness, and getting shot in your bed while you're sleeping.
NP: I'm getting a nice little buzz here.
BC: I think this is the only one we're all coming back for seconds for.
NP: This is the best thing we've drunk so far. Good after taste, good buzz.
MK pours a large quantity of Cisco and slams it.
Mk (slightly gagging): Legions of gutter trash can't be wrong.
BP: Let's finish the rest.
Mk: looks like pee going in. looks like pee going out.
A 40 oz pre-chilled bottle of Colt 45 Double Malt costs $2.49.