Mixed Fruit: An Open Letter to the Nation's Restaurateurs

Dear Restaurateurs of America: It's time to cut the crap. And by "crap," we, the restaurant patrons of America, are referring to pieces of melon.

For years, if not decades, a high percentage of low-to-mid-ranged casual eateries have offered "mixed fruit" as a side option with a salad or sandwich. Coleslaw, fries, or mixed fruit.

And for years, if not decades, a high percentage of so-called "mixed fruit" sides have arrived at the table as little tiny cups filled to the brim with pieces of melon and one or two red grapes.

The grapes are the really aggravating part of the experience. It's like a hobo drinking forty ounces of malt liquor on the city bus, the bottle concealed by a paper bag. Nobody thinks the paper bag conceals a V8, or a Vault energy drink. And nobody at home would make a fruit salad by cutting up a melon and throwing five red grapes into the bowl.

It's true that what you're offering is technically "mixed fruit," or a "fruit cup" i.e. more than one kind of fruit. But why not call it a "melon cup" or "melon with a couple grapes"? This is far more descriptive and, as a result, far more honest.

There's a simple answer to this question.

Melon, outside of its native season and growing zone, should not be eaten, and everybody knows this. It is a bad fruit. Nobody likes it, it's dumb, and it irritates the roof of your mouth. Types of fruit that are (by contrast) delicious in a fruit cup include: apples, bananas, oranges, pears, peaches, more grapes, blueberries, raspberries, guava, mango, starfruit*, pineapple, peaches and a bunch of other varieties of apples.

Understandably, serving up little cups of blueberries and pineapple pieces would have a negative impact on the restaurant bottom line, and who — after all — pays attention to the fruit cup anyway?

So don't use premium fruit. Use nice old affordable bananas (until they go extinct on us) and apples. Use a few more grapes. Throw in some basically free torn up bits of mint leaves. Even watermelon would be a nice change from the honeydew and cantaloupe that so rudely dominate our side servings of fruit. And then, if you must, put in a piece or two of melon for bulk.

BUT ONLY IF YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST.

That is all. Carry on with the otherwise fine food preparation and service that normally occupies your day.

* The deliciousness of starfruit is disputed by my wife.