I Can't Believe It's Not Paint Thinner: Volume 7

Arbor.jpgYou may recognize this sweet, cheap wine by its neon colors. Usually found in the cooler section of your liquor store for less than $4 a bottle, Arbor Mist is known as the preferred wine for suburban mothers and women who hate beer.

Varities are often laced with "exotic" fruits such as pineapple, lime, raspberry, and strawberry. Today, we will be sampling Arbor Mist: Exotic Fruits, as the bottle states: "A fine wine product with delicious raspberry, lime, and other natural flavors."

Though not really a wine frequently purchased by hobos, I still don’t know that I have much faith in the fans of Arbor Mist. Their website’s FAQ features questions like: How do I open the bottle? (Answer: Twist it off. Pour.) What is the nutritional content? (Answer: It is not nutritious nor is it a good source of calcium). Where can I get an Arden Hills gift basket? (Answer: Make your own damn basket). My question: Who purchases Arbor Mist? Answer: Suckers like me, alcoholic My Little Pony dolls, and daiquiri lovers too lazy to bust out the blender.

Jessica Armbruster: Smells like Cherry Chapstick

Mike Kooiman: Or Lipsmackers.

Matt Snyders: Cherry 7-Up.

MK: I have a confession, I used to drink this in college.

JA: (sadly) Me too.

Ben Palosaari: They should use this for communion wine.

Nate Patrin: This tastes like raw bread dough.

JA: No, it doesn’t. You should never be a food critic, dude.

BP: I can see why women drink this by the bottle out by the pool.

Ward Rubrecht: This is only 6% alcohol.

MK: My objection is that I can’t taste the alcohol.

JA: I know! I think it's because we’ve been doing 15% and higher stuff so now we’re totally immune to something with a repsectable amount of alcohol.

Andrea Myers: This tastes like flat Shasta.

WR: I could get so fucked up on this because I would drink it like soda.

AM: This is definitely for rosee people.

WR: I am one of those people.

JA: I have to say though, this doesn’t taste like white zinfandel nor does it taste like exotic fruits.

WR: Who cares!

BP: This is sweet and nice.

JA: I think someone should use that in a Craig’s List ad: I’m sweet and nice.

(pause)

JA: And I will fuck you up if you have too much of me.

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