Gullet of steel: turkey soda taste test

Categories: Off the Menu

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photos by Steve Neuharth

Happy holidays y'all! For your entertainment, I will be joined by my 7 year-old friend, Jackson-- we will try five different sodas from a Jones Soda Holiday Pack circa 2006 including: Turkey and Gravy, Dinner Roll, and Pea. You're welcome.

Turkey and Gravy:
The label depicting a splay legged turkey carcass, and the soda's color--a very poor simulation of watery gravy-- made this the toughest one to choke down. We decided to get this one over with first.
M: Smells like the juice in wax candy bottles [I take a sip] -- caramel mixed with butter and cream and not in a good way. Gross.
J: Actually, smells good. No it does, seriously. Yum. Sweet, but not turkey- flavored. Wait, that is kind of sick.

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Dinner roll:
I thought this would be a good palate cleanser. The label is friendly enough and the drink looks like cream soda--seemingly harmless, yes?
M: Smells exactly like turkey and gravy except super watered down. I have low expectations [we sing the "Lowered Expectations" song]. Ewwww--best part was the label.
J: Umm, yum, it actually smells like dinner rolls [takes a sip]-- BLECHHHHH.

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Although the label is cute--kid laughing, snowman waving-- this is frightening; simulated canned peas, not even trying to be a replication of crisp peas, fresh off the vine--low expectations, yet unexplainable high hopes.
M: Smells like a savory maple syrup--but, not something someone should drink. I am sensing a trend here. Tastes like diet-maple syrup soda. Rude.
J: If it smells bad it will taste good [Jackson's unproven theory]. Really does taste like maple syrup [motions like he is trying to get it off his tongue]. Ok, what's next, let's get this over with.

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Sweet Potato:
They all taste sort of like the fake juice that you get in single serving bottles, mixed with Play-Doh. Despite this fact, this one seems semi-pleasing.
M: Smells like orange popsicles with a hint of vanilla and brown sugar. This one is not as heinous as the rest.
J: Hmmm [unenthusiastically]. Not too bad.

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The last one--which is a good thing since we are both feeling slightly nauseous.
M: Uncanny, this smells and tastes exactly like Pepto-Bismol.
J: This is going to be the best one, I can tell. Smells like bubblegum. [Tastes it.] This was the best one. I think I'll have some more!!!
M: Gross--let's pretend this never happened.

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