Top 5 least romantic local eateries
Yesterday, we shared our list of the 10 dishes to avoid ordering on your Valentine's dates, from stinky garlic to messy barbecue, ugly oysters to wings that zing--too much and in the wrong places. But some restaurants should just be avoided altogether, no matter what's on the menu. Let us share our list of the five local dining spots that we feel can only lead to heartbreak--or even worse, heartburn.
Photo from MN150Years.org "You're the one who said to order the scampi!"
5. STILLWATER CORRECTIONAL FACILITY MESS HALL
Minnesota Correctional Facility--Stillwater
This Level 4 security prison in Stillwater houses over 1,500 of the state's felons. One of the most secure institutions in Minnesota, it features some spacious, brightly lit dining facilities. However, there really isn't an intimate vibe, and the food leaves much to be desired. As far as the service, calling it sub-par would be generous. The wine list is very short and features mostly nonvintage varieties aged not in oak casks but in toilet bowls.
4. THE WIENERY
Now, let's set the record straight: We love the Wienery. And some recent quasi-scientific research we conducted has proven conclusively that its Lukeburger is 2,500% more effective at battling hangovers than the leading national brand. But the cold, hard truth is that the Wienery truly deserves its spot on this list. From elbow-to-elbow accommodations to an ambiance akin to a block party being thrown in a neighbor's garage, this West Bank icon is decidedly unsexy. Throw in the menu populated by messy, greasy (and undeniably delicious) dishes, it's clear that any relationship beginning at the Wienery will inevitably end with matching his-and-her heart stents.
3. CHUCK E. CHEESE'S
"Vintage" Chuck E. Cheese's ad
Nothing can put a damper on your romantic intentions like being face to face with the leaky orifices, tiresome energy, and ear-shattering volume of the consequences of the "Serta Sleeper Samba." If being surrounded by the children isn't enough, just look at the faces of those poor, bedraggled souls called "parents" being led around by the hand. If the deadness in their eyes doesn't extinguish your libido, then your last name must be Duggar. Add mediocre pizza and the "ding, ding, DING!" of endless games of Skee-ball and the effect is the same as a cold shower.
2. CHEVY GRILL
Photo from bobbyandstevesautoworld.com Chevy Grill
This greasy spoon located inside of Bobby and Steve's Auto World on Washington Ave. is a most inviting location for drunken frat boys en route back to the house from a night of clubbing downtown, but it's far less inviting for a couple looking to canoodle. An attempt at Johnny Rockets-esque 50s nostalgia, with vinyl booths and jukeboxes on the table, this place might do if your man rocks a ducktail or your woman rocks a poodle skirt. Of course, you might be at this gas station/service center because your lover harbors a Crash-like fetish, in which case, where you eat is the least of your concerns.
1. MOM'S HOUSE
Now before you start writing that angry email, no one is disparaging mom's culinary skills. Nobody makes that meatloaf/hotdish/lasagna/etc. like mom. But seriously, having mom make dinner for you and your Valentine's date is as romantic as complimenting your date on their lazy eye. How is one supposed to properly play "footsie" under the table while the woman who gave you life sits next to you, blissfully unaware? How does one present an air of sophistication while mom spits on a napkin and wipes schmutz off your face? Evocative dirty talk at the table can only lead to a mouth washed out with soap and some time in the corner to think about what you've done. And if you don't eat every last piece of broccoli on that plate, you and your date will get no dessert.
Are there other restaurants that turn you off? Leave them in the comments, we'd love to hear about them.