Top 5 weird food stories of the week: Nov. 13-18

Psychobizket/Photobucket

Not pictured: good sense

Bacon.

The smoky, crispy siren/muse that inspires such devotion that inventors have created bacon-flavored mayonnaise, dental floss, breath mints, and even soda.  Is there anything it can't do?

Well, turns out there's definitely something it shouldn't do...

What should remain bacon-free?  How stupid is our government?  What's PETA's newest inane campaign?

We answer these questions--and more!--in a roundup of this week's weirdest food stories.

CarbonNYC/Flickr

Oh, you poor, poor vegans...

5. PETA wants town to change name to 'Tofurky'

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is a group that sounds good on paper.  They're against animal cruelty in any form, including the killing of said animals for the purpose of eating them.  Unfortunately for all of us, sometimes PETA executes quite silly publicity stunts.  It's run an ad comparing Jeffrey Dahmer's killing spree to the everyday events in a slaughterhouse.  It's tried to use Holocaust imagery--in Germany!  And they're even supposedly working on a website that blends pornography with images of animal cruelty.  (Hey, that sounds like Pink Flamingos!)

This Thanksgiving, PETA is attempting to draw attention to the suffering of turkeys by petitioning the town of Turkey, Texas, to change its name to Tofurky, Texas.  What will this accomplish?  Why, nothing, of course.  Although it does help keep PETA's name in the news.  A preemptive press release from the city of Ankara simply said, "Don't even think about it."

4. William Shatner teaches how not to fry a turkey

 

In the above video, America's favorite cosmic casanova, William Shatner, provides a poorly CGI-ed and hammily acted object lesson on the dangers of improper turkey frying.  It's a PSA from State Farm Insurance, who is tired of paying out claims on drunken idiots burning down their house while trying to clog their arteries.  No word on whether an instructional video on proper Tofurky preparation is forthcoming.

3. Waiter arrested for giving two-year-old a sip of sake

American puritanism strikes again! 

At the Wasabi Japanese Steakhouse in Ohio, the waiters carry around little squirt bottles filled with sake.  As they walk around the floor, they occasionally stop to pour a little rice wine into guests' mouths.  They probably think this makes the dining experience more fun.  But they are wrong.

In fact, it makes the dining experience a horrible, scarring nightmare that an innocent young boy may never recover from.  The waiter faces a sentence of as much as six months in prison for furnishing alcohol to a minor.  The poor boy reportedly "started crying, saying it burned".  When asked for comment, an average European two-year-old said, "Sake? That stuff's for babies!"

Collin Anderson/Flickr

Eat your veggies!

2. Pizza is a vegetable, say elected idiots

America is in trouble.  Protests have sprung up around the country to decry the destruction of the middle class and the death of the American Dream.  Unemployment is chronically high.  The country's economy is in a constant state of near-collapse.  So Congress is spending night and day doing everything in its power to stave off impending disaster, right?

Nope.  They're passing a bill eliminating guidelines recommended by the USDA for school lunches.  The bill ensures that American schoolchildren (of which only 1 in 3 classify as obese!) are allowed to continue to scarf down tater tots and French fries without any pesky starch limitations placed on the schools by "big gubmint." The bill also allows the continued classification of tomato sauce on pizza as a vegetable.

This bill was obviously the result of a grassroots public movement lobbying effort by frozen pizza makers, the salt industry, and potato growers.  You know, "the People"...

1. Bacon lube?  Bacon lube!

 

J&D

"Ooh, you're a dirty sow, aren't you?"

Just look at that picture.  How conflicted are you right now?  On the one hand, bacon is awesome.  On the other hand, sex is awesome.  But this ad is evocative of bestiality.  And the thought of the smell of frying bacon permeating a bedroom is evocative of 'Eww!'.

What began as an April Fool's Day joke has become a real product that can really be bought.  But by whom?  There is a very niche market to whom this abomination appeals, and we at the Hot Dish can't help feeling that if they want the smell of bacon that badly during lovemaking, they can MacGyver their own.

"Porking," "wiener," "sausage"-- the jokes are just too easy.  Oh, we get it!  Bacon lovers.  Who would have ever thought someone could combine bacon and sex and have it come out so unappealing?