Taco Bell's breakfast menu: The bad, the ugly, and the irrevocable

Categories: Product Review

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Taco Bell breakfast: a culinary journey in shades of brown
Taco Bell breakfast is finally here. On Thursday at 7 a.m, every stoner's favorite fast food chain unveiled its brand new breakfast menu, complete with Waffle Tacos, Cinnabon Delights, AM Crunchwraps, AM Grilled Tacos, Breakfast Burritos, Flatbread Melts, hash browns, and coffee. Hot Dish joined the impatient masses and lined up to sample from the new selection.

Talk about bad decision making. Hours later, our stomachs were still in knots. Unless you're absurdly intoxicated, you're probably better off eating dust from your computer monitor. We were spared some of this breakfast bastardization because, on its first morning fueling America's workday, this particular Taco Bell had run out of eggs. Or egg-like product. Presumably because there had been a rush on the Waffle Tacos. America, we fear for us.

See also:
A painful tour of the hottest peppers at Pepper Palace

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Nevertheless, we were there for Taco Bell breakfast and it was Taco Bell breakfast we would get -- or as much as we could order from their dwindling stock. As is customary with drive-thru fast food, we ate the first breakfast item -- the hash brown -- in the car. Bad choice. By the time we were through, the car seat, steering wheel, and dashboard were covered in grease, all from one measly hash brown. The hash brown's main problem is that it's more brown than hash. It has no substance. It's like a fried piece of the void, utterly free of potato. Still, we remained hopeful.

When we got to the office, we laid the items on a table, which was immediately covered in a thick layer of grease. During the 10-minute car ride, the grease had seeped out of the cardboard Waffle Taco containers, rendering all of its contents a slippery mess. We crossed our greased fingers that the issue was mainly aesthetic and proceeded with the operation.

We started with the bacon variety of Waffle Taco, a grease sponge cradling a mix of barely melted cheese, bacon bits, and egg chunks. What we should have done before taking a bite was squeeze the Waffle Taco like a wet rag to remove the copious amounts of oil. We didn't. Instead we soldiered on, only to find that beyond the sopping wet exterior, was a chewy, tasteless filling. You got us good, TB. Real good.

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Ah, but fool us once, shame on you. Fool us twice, we move on to a different flavor of Waffle Taco. Surely the sausage-studded Waffle Taco would succeed where its bacon brother failed, right? Actually, the sausage Waffle Taco was pretty much the same as the bacon Waffle Taco, but with a big hunk of cold, over-salted sausage in place of bacon crumbles.



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123 comments
needlemethis
needlemethis

I don't know exactly what you expected, going to a drive-thru for breakfast & then waiting to eat it after you cruise it around town. Of course it was inedible by then. I guess that's the amount of time it takes to hop on the currently fashionable "ew yuck taco bell" wagon. It goes around every couple years. We have 1 here in Hooterville & it's not even a real TB. It's a KFC/TB hybrid. Ordering can be fun drunk, if you go early cuz it closes @9pm. While neither outlet is fine dining, never have a I gotten food from there that had the amounts of fryer grease that you described. The articles on this site are growing progressively more juvenile & poorly written. I believe I'll be unsubscribing.

str8tguy4thebiguy
str8tguy4thebiguy

Oh my niece and I went to try Taco's Bells breakfast and it was the worse breakfast food I have ever had! Turrible! Just Turrible! A salty,greasy and tasteless mess is what we purchased! Never again! You couldn't give away your food to us! We actually feel sorry for you Taco Bell! Where did you test market these products? They must have received a totally different version to give these items a thumbs up! Taco Bell, you need to start all over again because you'll never make it in the breakfast business with this grub!

Captain_Sidney
Captain_Sidney

Dangit TB! I had such high hopes!  I tried it. I didn't like it!  This review is spot on!!

sparky_ohoulihan
sparky_ohoulihan

Nice review.  This was like going to "Crank 2" and writing a review spearing it for lacking intellectual depth.  What do you expect?  Try comparing it with its competition, McDonalds or Carls Jr., versus fine dining.  But I don't expect it was a review so much as an angry little tirade aimed at other people that like to complain, kind of like watching Bill O'Reilly.

babygurl1
babygurl1

ive worked at a tacobell befor if you dont like it dont go back, dont slander something just because you dont like it. everyones palet is diffrent. yours is no more improtent then someone famous. were just people just trying to make a living just like you. dont like it.. dont eat it!

k2yeb
k2yeb topcommenter

People have pretty high expectations for $2. I wouldn't have expected anything less or more. People don't call it Taco Hell for no reason. Its the bottom of the barrel when it comes to "Mexican" food. 

HanniKenny
HanniKenny

Well this is absolutely fucking shocking. I was certain that the breakfast at Taco Bell would be of the same fine caliber as their regular menu. My mind has been blown by this article. Now I know to pass on Taco Bell when I'm selecting a restaurant for breakfast.

Mason Richard Butler
Mason Richard Butler

Let's just wait a few months until whatever cool brunch place emulates these with locally sourced and grass fed ingredients.

Alex Norton
Alex Norton

That shit...is going in or around my mouth. Just saying...

Theodore James Clemens
Theodore James Clemens

Don't care. Going to eat it. It's fast food. If you showed up for anything else than what you got, you're a pretentious faggot, and perhaps borderline retarded.

Timothy Clemens
Timothy Clemens

it's the Citypages, if I wanted to know what a 120lb white beta male hipster thought about things I'd fucking ask them. Long live the Bell

Erick Thomas
Erick Thomas

Timothy Clemens Theodore Clemens Alex Norton

Quinn Quaderer
Quinn Quaderer

its taco bell, u eat it immediately...no taking it back to the office, u cannot let it sit for any amount of time...still gonna try the breakfast :) its no different than state fair food, gotta try it at least once lol

Steen Erikson
Steen Erikson

Thanks for the tip, and I hope you're feeling better and have been able to find a professional cleaning crew to degrease your car and office...

rose0414
rose0414

You do realize that you have to eat Taco Bell immediately upon getting your order, right? Cold Taco Bell might as well be poison. It probably wasn't going to be great anyway, but when it has been in the car for 10 minutes, it has no chance of even being decent.

Dan Krzykowski
Dan Krzykowski

I'm not sure their breakfast is much worse than your journalism here.

Becky Ladd Martinez
Becky Ladd Martinez

I had their AM crunch and the cinnamon bites. I thought they were good. Just keep in mind it's "fast food". Just like McD's. It's a nice change up from McD's. I will definitely go to TB again

Monica Green
Monica Green

#yep. Wtf else do you expect from a fast food restaurant?? What a dumb article.

ddowning281
ddowning281

I feel the arteries starting to close already .

Jodi Michelle
Jodi Michelle

It's awesome. Taco Bell it never disappoints.

Missy Pederson
Missy Pederson

I've put a lot of strange/questionable things in my mouth during my lifetime but the waffle taco gets the award for most unimpressive/blech. The breakfast crunch wrap was a solid effort though

Steve Nathe
Steve Nathe

Sadly, most all of their other selections are full of empty calories, GMO's, grease and many types of chemicals that are very, very bad for the human diet. Personally I have not eaten any of this "so called" food in many years. Plus, it tastes terrible!

Ron Partlow
Ron Partlow

Wrap up some boiled tofu in an organic, sustainable, wrapper, pour some hot sauce on it, and then you can rave about how good it was.

Ron Partlow
Ron Partlow

Raise the minimum wage and it will be crappy, overpriced, fast food!

Lisa M Campbell
Lisa M Campbell

I am in love with their breakfast way better then Mcdonalds breakfast

Ryan Moe
Ryan Moe

Yup. Fuckin CityPages forever living in negativity of unrealistic expectations. It's Taco Bell morons. Thank God you people hate it, shorter lines for the people that know what they're getting!

Ashley Ann
Ashley Ann

I just started following city pages on Facebook. This is the third article I've read with undisputably negative undertones (actually they're screaming at me). Let me makes me own opinions, for Christ sake!

alexjarvis88
alexjarvis88

Using creative words to express your distaste for oily, greasy fast food does not increase the validity of your message.  In this case it does in fact make it look like you are a foodie who had nothing better to write about so you took the opportunity to bully Taco Bell by shaming their food.  That's not creative or informative, its just unnecessary and as bad for your own soul as it is for the moods of the people who may actually be interested in how it rates as a Taco Bell menu item (in other words as compared to the rest of their 'oily' food).  Recall a lesson from your creative writing 101 class and focus on your audience, not your ego.

Brian Kjorstad
Brian Kjorstad

Waffle!!...Burrito! Whats comin outta your speedo? Got a problem yeah you got a problem! -Spartan Cheerleaders

Debbie Donnie Miles
Debbie Donnie Miles

^^^ if you read the review you could see what the upset is. But like the girl said fast food is bad point blank.

Angie Marie
Angie Marie

Not just taco bell Billy!! ALL fast food = shit

CITYRIDERRT19
CITYRIDERRT19

From the looks of things Mcdonalds doesn't have much in the way of breakfast competition.

Frank
Frank

Every trite, hyperbolic "alt weekly" ran a review of this breakfast and they all preformed the same poorly veiled self-fellatio. Congrats on being indignant about a 1.25 dollar breakfast and moreover, thanks for studying journalism in your undergrad.

bevansdesign
bevansdesign

@needlemethis I go to Taco Bell pretty regularly for lunch, and I've never had any problems with anything being too greasy (except the hash browns). That's one thing you don't really have to worry about at TB. 



However, this column's description of TB's breakfast items is completely accurate. The Waffle Taco is a greasy sponge of greasiness. I was amazed, and it doesn't even have much flavor. It definitely needs syrup, but I wasn't going to try that while driving.


The other stuff also doesn't have much flavor. The breakfast burritos are decent, but they need some salt & pepper, and perhaps some salsa (not taco sauce). 


I really hope TB makes some major changes to all of their breakfast items, because I want them to be good. How did this stuff ever get past the testing phase? 

Zak57
Zak57

I stopped going to TB when they began substituting nacho sauce instead of real shredded cheese in their burritos. Del Taco does it much better with real cheese and they make their refried beans from scratch. Also you get twice the beans in DT bean burrito vs. TB for the same price! Lastly I hate Pepsi at TB and DT has Coke...yeah!

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