I Can't Believe It's Not Paint Thinner

I can't believe it's not paint thinner: Volume 9

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The information available on André is sparse. My first search yielded a link to André Champagne Productions, makers of some truly awesome looking movies. I also stumbled upon a yahoo.com forum where some puzzled boozer appears mystified as to why André Champagne gives him a headache the next day (most common answer: it’s a crappy drink and you drank too much). Eventually, I discovered that Ernest & Gallo are actually the makers of the mighty André, a $3 champagne often used for wedding toasts, budget New Year’s Parties, and college students trying to be classy.

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Posted by Jessica Armbruster at August 15, 2008 5:33 PM | Comments (4)

 

I Can't Believe It's Not Paint Thinner Vol. 8

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Every time I go to the liquor store to buy alcohol this blog, somebody is buying Steel Reserve tall boys to get them through the day, especially if I go at around 8:30 in the morning on my way to work. The high gravity beer brings 8.1 percent alcohol and attractive flashy packaging into a teeny tiny price. And to make it even better, the Ramones cannibalized their songs into jingles for Steel Reserve radio ads. Any beer that's good enough for the Ramones is good enough for us. Check out the ads below.

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Posted by Ben Palosaari at August 8, 2008 2:59 PM | Comments (2)

 

I Can't Believe It's Not Paint Thinner: Volume 7

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You may recognize this sweet, cheap wine by its neon colors. Usually found in the cooler section of your liquor store for less than $4 a bottle, Arbor Mist is known as the preferred wine for suburban mothers and women who hate beer.

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Posted by Jessica Armbruster at August 1, 2008 5:59 PM | Comments (2)

 

I Can't Believe It's Not Paint Thinner Vol. 6

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We're taking a step away from the strange and horrible fortified wine category, and giving malt liquor a chance to make us gag. This week's brew is Colt 45 Double Malt. Malt liquor, the beer equivalent of fortified wine, is slightly stronger than regular beer, and it usually dirt cheap. Strangely, our 40 oz. glass jug of Colt doesn't have the alcohol content on its label. A quick Web search pegs it between 5 and 6 percent. See the greatest beer advertisements ever below.

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Posted by Ben Palosaari at July 25, 2008 3:54 PM | Comments (1)

 

I Can't Believe It's Not Paint Thinner: Vol. 5: Cisco

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Notorious for the raging, delusional drunk it causes and its three–day hangover, Cisco just may be the absinthe of hobo wines.

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Posted by Jessica Armbruster at July 18, 2008 6:11 PM | Comments (0)

 

I Can't Believe It's Not Paint Thinner Vol. 4

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Our drink this time around is Richards (sic) Wild Irish Rose Wild Green Apple wine. Wild Irish Rose is a wine with a proud past and shameful present. It's manufacturer's parent company, Constellation Brands, mentions Wild Irish Rose's widespread popularity in the 1950s and 60s, they boast about it's sales numbers and how great it was for Constellation when it bought the brand. And yet, if you look at the easily accessible list of wines on Constellation's Web site, Wild Irish Rose -- the wine that helped make this company the thriving, $5.2 billion empire it is today -- is no where to be found.

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Posted by Ben Palosaari at July 11, 2008 3:48 PM | Comments (0)

 

I Can't Believe It's Not Paint Thinner Vol. 3

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To many indigenous North American cultures, the Thunderbird is mythical creature, a bird of unparalleled strength. Legend had it that the bird was so powerful, its wings flapping caused the thunder. To us, it's a strong white wine that hopefully won't cause any thunder in our intestines. Its label calls it 'The American Classic.'

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Posted by Ben Palosaari at June 27, 2008 3:48 PM | Comments (2)

 

I can't believe it's not paint thinner: Night Train Express

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Night Train Express is a controversial wine. Marketed mostly to homeless people, the clinically depressed, and college students, this fortified wine has often been called out amongst civic leaders for promoting public intoxication and vagrancy.

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Posted by Jessica Armbruster at June 20, 2008 6:18 PM | Comments (0)

 

I Can't Believe It's Not Paint Thinner Vol. 1

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Welcome to I Can't Believe It's Not Paint Thinner, a new blog City Pages blog series. Each week the CP staff will put its livers on the line to review the shadiest, strangest, and cheapest alcoholic beverages available.

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Posted by Ben Palosaari at June 13, 2008 6:01 PM | Comments (3)