Going Down in Music History

The latest Greensleeves collection of dancehall sides, Greensleeves Rhythm Album #66: Bomb A Drop, features two examples of one of my least favorite songs types, the anti-cunnilingus anthem. Gay basher Beenie Man?s ?Three Laws? includes the pledge ?We will never suck the pussy,? while Tony Matterhorn yowls ?Never Eat the Pussy!? on his ?The Cat.? The latter tune, oddly enough, also urges folks to ?release the pussy.? Conventional wisdom suggests that a good means of vaginal liberation is through oral stimulation, but of course the only thing I-don?t-go-down types fear more than female pleasure and the faint suggestion of submissiveness is logic.

One of my many post-retirement projects is to compile a list of songs about this topic, pro or con. Off the top of my head (hee hee, he said ?head?), I?d say that pro-licking songs (and lyrical asides) outnumber their opposites. From the male perspective, Marvin Sease?s ?Candy Licker? is the all-time classic. I really can?t imagine anyone topping it, except perhaps with whipped cream. Prince's "Head" comes close. Then there's Kiss's "Lick It Up." Brother Ali also came out as lick-positive on his Champion EP. Big Pun rapped (on Top 40 radio, no less) about ?going downstairs? on ?Still Not a Player.? Noted sexist pig Akinyele once named an album Vagina Diner, but I don?t think that counts. And who can forget the album cover to MC Pooh a.k.a. Pooh-Man?s Funky As I Wanna Be? Pooh really missed an opportunity there; the album should have been called Pooh-Man Chew.

I hesitate to bring up famous idiot Ted Nugent?s If You Can?t Lick ?Em?Lick ?Em, though I guess I just did. From a woman?s POV, highlights include MC Choice?s ?Cat Got Your Tongue,? the Yeastie Girls? ?You Suck!? and Lil Kim?s ?Not Tonight,? which sums things up as follows: ?The moral of the story is this/You ain't lickin' this, you ain't stickin' this/And I got witnesses, ask any nigga I been with/They ain't hit shit till they stuck they tongue in this...I don't want dick tonight/Eat my pussy right."

By the way, the Greensleeves comp, despite the lousy politics of several tracks, contains some good music, all of it produced by Mario C for 357 Productions. Most of the tracks are built on the same sample, which gets exhausting after 20 cuts, but several stand out and are recommended mix-CD fodder for your sex-positive parties. My favorite cuts are Razor?s ?Mr Dickson? and Mad Cobra?s ?Dem Food Deh.?