Ashton Kutcher to "reap havoc" on religious juice box

The other night on Punk'd, Ashton Kutcher claimed he was about to "reap havoc"[sic] on some wannabe Gen-Y flava-making celebs by, well, reaping them a new one in front of millions of viewers who are already so sick of their ubiqitous faces they'd rather be watching Hollywood Squares for the lack-of-celeb relief it brings. But the only other thing on at that hour is CSI, which Karl Rove's henchmen claim is a show mostly watched by Republicans. And that could only mean one thing: The Architect is undoubtedly using it to send subliminal messages that big business and privatized social security will save a nation from freaky fetishists who, literally, have an ax to grind.

But even lamer than the Punk'd episode featuring Omarion's brother, entertainment news reports say Kutcher has been approached by a Kabbalah drink company to be its "brand ambassador," or its "chosen one." Not to be confused with a namby-pamby juice box, this beverage is supposedly cooler than run-of-the-mill Bible drinks because it doesn't contain the stale blood of Christ.