Zack is Dana! Dana is Zack! Marcia Cross is still spooky!

The Desperate Housewives finale was appropriately soapy (and stinging)

So it's settled then: Mary Alice is a big, fat murderer who butchered naive, poker-wielding Deirde in a variation on the old King Solomon two-mommies boondoggle. Too bad, so sad. Any American who names their son "Dana" should be prepared to relinquish their parental rights; was Deirdre a huge fan of "Massive Headwound Harry" or something? "We conceived you during a Church Lady sketch, honey."

Seeing Teri Hatcher held at gunpoint by Mr. Angryglasses was another high point of the hour. (I'm sure Nicollette Sheridan would heartily agree.) Eat lead, Radio Shack! We're left hanging until September, though one can only assume that the star of a show will dodge any errant bullets. Plumber Mike is going to pull through too; you just know it. We're supposed to believe that he and Susan are soulmates, even though they're completely incompatible, don't trust each other, and are an even more awkward pairing than Felicity Huffman and the gay social worker from Melrose Place.

And who can forget Gabrielle informing her he-man husband Carlos that if he wants their child to be breastfed, he'll have to do it himself? Apparently, it's possible. One can just picture Carlos serenely nursing his Jesse Metcalf-faced infant while Gabrielle smugly cruises down Wisteria Lane in her Maserati. Now that's a fair parenting plan!