Tears for shears

As owner of Jonathan Salons in Beverly Hills and West Hollywood, Jonathan Antin carries the weight of the world on his weak, lechrosexual shoulders. (Yes, CTG just coined the term lechrosexual. In only two days it will jump the couch, but for now it's a catch-all phrase of that can be used to describe anyone from this guy to this guy.)

Jonathan likes to innocently peck and caress the L.A. babes as he's giving them a "layered look" that was cool a year after "the Rachel." But mostly the star of Blow Out likes himself: his smoke-stained surfer-dude voice, his shirt cuffs that tickle his calloused palms, and his tanned skin that has the texture and tone of a Louis Vuitton bag circa 1989. It's only when he visits his therapist, camera in tow, that the real Jonathan, sobbing into his extended shirt sleeve, starts to crack and reveal himself underneath the tattoos: Why doesn't the rest of the world understand the importance of beautiful hair? Don't people realize how tough it is to bang out heads day after day? It's just so hard, you know?

Yes, the real Jonathan looks a lot like the other Jonathan, only a bit more wet. If all this isn't entertaining enough to watch, Jonathan also has brought to us a brand-new drinking game that's sure to get even a nine-drink-a-night heavyweight sloshed out of his gourd before Jonathan knocks out his first head of the day: Each time Jonathan says "product," as in hair goo, it's a cue to drink. We hear it's such great fun that we're planning to play it during tonight's episode, right after we all take turns playing the pass-out game.