Where does Britney stack up?
By Kenny Herzog
It seemed like just last month that Britney Spears' only shaved head was between her legs. The upside about her rehab-induced mental tailspin? We got a five minute respite from the Anna Nicole baby's daddy saga. The bad news? Britney Spears finally ruined her last redeeming aspect: her locks. Strangely though, she doesn't look all that bad as a baldie. She's still more attractive than, say, Larry David. And plenty of people would still pay to see her in Playboy
. But where does Spears' Kojak turn rank her in the pantheon of women gone bald?
1. Natalie Portman
There seemingly isn't a celebrity list that Ms. Portman doesn't belong on. But when Gen Y's Long Island Lolita started rampaging runways with her V For Vendetta
Bic vixen makeover, she somehow was hotter without hair.
2. Alek Wek
She never quite made it to the cover of SI
's swimsuit issue, but she's arguably the most recognizable, post-Roshumba black woman on the world's runways. And bald as shit.
3. Demi Moore
Ms. Kutcher became a butch icon to all 50 people who paid to see G.I. Jane
. The shower scene left men wondering whether to be turned on or question their sexuality. Her "Suck my dick!" quote after breaking Viggo Mortenson's nose didn't help.
4. Sinead O'Connor
Amazing to think that in the early '90s, Sinead's then-rebellious follicle fashions inspired mass cultural inference of everything from lesbianism to bratty antagonism. Ultimately, it was just ironic that she had a fairly similar hairstyle to the Pope.
5. Persis Khambatta
The who the what now, you might ask? Oh, the super hot bald chick from Star Trek: The Motion Picture
. Right. Well, if you're going to cast someone to play a hairless alien, she might as well be a former Revlon girl and Miss India.
6. Melissa Etheridge
As if it weren't enough that she was an outed lesbian who carried David Crosby's seed, Etheridge had to make us all feel utterly uncourageous by storming the 2005 Grammy stage with her shorn scalp, the result of a recent battle with breast cancer. She looked sexy. Take that, Ellen and Portia.
7. Sigourney Weaver
Ripley went skull-commando for the third installment in the Alien
franchise. Apparently the alien itself was no longer scary enough. But, heh, she was still Sigourney Weaver.
8. Kim Cattrall
Would a 20-something male model still bang a middle-aged bald women in real life without being scared off by such a visceral reminder of her relative mortality? Probably not. But that's why Sex and the City
jumped the shark way too soon. Still, Cattrall's real life battle with cancer coupled with her character's made her outshine the other three.
9. Jane Curtin
Sort of weird that Curtin's Mrs. Conehead character was actually embodied by a male phallus. Or does that just make me weird for putting her on this list?
10. Samantha Morton
Similar to mentally retarded characters having inexplicably messy hairstyles (e.g. Leo in What's Eating Gilbert Grape
), cryptic telepathic communicators must be bald and constantly shivering. Observant Morton followers saw this one coming with her neatly manicured turn in In America.
Bonus: Joan Elizabeth
(Denise, from Seinfeld
episode "The Beard")
In one of the show's more absurd-yet-brilliant plotlines, George, now donning a toupee, was mortified when Denise removed her hat to reveal a perfectly chromed cranium (and in perfect Seinfeld
un-PC-ness, the motivation for her baldness was never explained). But as we know, no one made the cast's girlfriend counters unless they were disproportionately attractive to their male counterparts.