Dean Martin: The Ouija Interview

On this very night, 13 years ago, on this same stretch of road, in a dense fog just like this, Dean Martin, Rat Packer and connoisseur of Frank Sinatra's table scraps, chewed his last martini olive. Martin's was a life on house credit, and his death, on Christmas Day in 1995, warranted the faint honor of a momentary dimming of the Las Vegas strip's neon.

But death can't excuse the famous lounge lizard from his duties to his public. His celebrity has been left unattended for over a decade now. Nary so much as a wave or a wink to his devoted fans, who are themselves beginning to politely rap on death's door. We're no stranger to rousing the dead. And on this occasion, it seemed only appropriate to do so on a belly full of chilled vodka, picking the pimentos from our teeth. So, with chestnuts over an open fire and another pail of stiff martinis en route, Gimme Noise proudly presents Dean Martin: The Ouija Interview.



Gimme Noise: Mr. Martin?
Ouija Board: (no response)
GN: Hey Dean.
OB: YES
GN: Dino!
Dean Martin: YES
GN: Hold on.
DM: (no response)
GN: It's loud in here. What say we move to a table in the back.
DM: (no response)
GN: Okay. That's better. So what the fuck man?
DM: (no response)
GN: I bet you fucking rake it in on Christmas.
DM: (no response)
GN: Come on. Don't be such a tightass, Dino.
DM: (no response)
GN: Dino. My great aunt Marge.
DM: YES
GN: Loves your shit.
DM: (no response)
GN: "When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie."
DM:  YES
GN: You're seriously telling me that was the best you could do.
DM: (no response)
GN: (no response)
DM: (no response)
GN: Is Frankie there?
DM: NO
GN: Put Frankie on.
DM: NO HERE
GN: (no response)
DM: MY WAY
GN: He too is there. I can hear him. Put his ass on the horn.
DM: NO
GN: I'm not going to do nothing. Just want to talk to him.
DM: NO CAN DO
GN: You think you're better than me, don't you.
DM: (no response)
GN: Look at me when I'm talking to you.
DM: CALM DOWN
GN: Eyeball me again I'll take some starch out of that collar for you.
DM: BUY YOU A DRINK
GN: I'm just trying to have a good time with my girl.
DM: (no response)
GN: Up in here with a tux all on. Like you was somebody.
DM: LOOK
GN: Don't touch me. Get your hands off me.
DM: NO TROUBLE
GN: You better just walk away.
DM: GOODBYE
GN: Walk away.
DM: (no response)
GN: Bigshot putz. Trying to mess up my party.
DM: (no response)