First-ever Miss Wet Spot crowned at Sinners
photo by Tony Nelson for CP
This past Wednesday night, downtown
After weeks of anticipation, the first-ever Miss Wet Spot competition went down at Sinners as eight foxy ladies took the stage in the most erotic event in the history of Minnesota (except of course for the Holidazzle parade).
More importantly, this was my opportunity to put a giant checkmark on my life's list of erotic goals next to "Host greatest amateur strip club competition of all time."
Click here for photos from the erotic explosion.
In case you're wondering what the rest of that list looks like, it goes a little something like this:
Patrick's Erotic Life Goals Checklist
1) Host greatest amateur strip club competition of all time
2) Work a night job at an Asian massage parlor
3) Meet the man behind 1man1jar.com (if you've never seen it; don't go there. You'll never be the same)
4) Perform live on stage with Siegfried and Roy
What can I say? I reach for the stars.
Photo by Tony Nelson for CP
The competition itself was judged on three separate categories. First, the ladies backed that thang up in the sweet 80's freestyle event, where each girl performed to a random (and awesome) 80's jam. With music giants like Genesis and New Kids on the Block pumping through the speakers, the evening heated up early. The only bump in the road came when one participant was unable to handle the sexy voice of Steve Winwood, and subsequently left the stage.
Next, it was time to get inside the mind of each girl with the personality profile. Prior to taking the stage each girl was required to filled out a questionnaire, giving the crowd a better sense of who she was on the inside. While some of the girls chose to stay reserved, such as the girl who simply said she should win because she was "fragile and fun," others chose to let it all hang out (Craziest thing you've ever done: I had sex on a fire truck. Weezy would be so proud).
For the third and final portion of their routine, each girl had to channel her inner-groupie and rock out for the hair metal explosion. This was definitely the participants' time to shine, as they gyrated and worked the pole with the precision of a pre-rehab Tawny Kitaen.
With so much erotic energy flowing through Sinners, I had my work cut out for me. Still, I knew that I had a responsibility to the Wet Spot nation to keep things hot, so I held it down like a seasoned strip club vet, throwing karate kicks and encouraging the crowd to keep tossing singles.
Finally, the climax of the evening arrived. It was time to crown Miss Wet Spot.
Photo by Tony Nelson for CP
Each of the girls hit the stage one final time, allowing the crowd to show their support for the contestant of their choosing. In the end, it was hometown favorite Bri who won the crown (and by "crown" I mean "Target gift card") and claimed her place in history as the first-ever Miss Wet Spot (unfortunately for us, humble Bri did not want her picture taken for this blog in fear of the profound stardom that would inevitably result from such an honor).
Looking back, I can honestly say that the night gave me a new-found respect for strippers and strip club MC's. Even with the hot crowd that braved the sub-zero temperatures to show their support, it was a challenge at times to keep the audience pumped up and full of life. With clientele of all different ages, genders and tastes, it takes a true artist to survive in the erotic strip club circus, and I proudly salute all of the brave men and women working to keep it sexy in the Twin Cities.