The Wet Spot: Getting laid on New Year's Eve
Tonight is the single biggest night of the year when it comes to your chances of getting laid by a total stranger: New Year's Eve.
The odds of you pulling some hot, anonymous tail on New Year's Eve are better than Valentine's Day, Sweetest Day and Secretary's Day combined (the only holiday that stands a chance is Groundhog Day, or so Bill Murray has led me to believe).
Now, just because it's a big night for getting laid doesn't mean it comes effortlessly. That's why I'm going to breakdown my three-point checklist to guarantee you start 2009 covered in KY and shame.
Step one: Pick your spot
Thinking of starting your evening at Aqua or Karma with $100 all-you-can-drink packages? Then plan on ending it gripping your own piece (or female equivalent).
This is your worst option as it costs a ton and it's nearly impossible to get a drink. By the end of the night everyone is pissed off and sober, and you're stuck competing for scraps with a bunch of douchy guys wearing Ed Hardy and calling each other bro (or "bruh" as it may be).
My recommendation for maximum bang potential: Perkins Restaurant.
Think about it -- a group of ladies start out drinking around 7 p.m. Inevitably, one friend will get too drunk, too fast, and make her friends leave the party. And where do they go? Exactly.
Suddenly its midnight and they have no one to slobber on. Luckily, you just happen to be sitting one table over, rocking a Mile-High Melt. If that's not the perfect opening for a porn, I don't know what is.
Step two: Choose your target
A common mistake when looking for action on New Year's is waiting until the last second to find someone to suck face with.
Be proactive and start your hunt early. I recommend making your move around 10:30 p.m. This is the perfect time to start looking around, as people will be fairly drunk and you should be able to tell who's alone and who's not.
Once you've picked a target, try doing something outlandish to get their attention:
Guys: Pop your shirt off. Once you're bare-chested the rest will likely fall into place.
Ladies: Start doing the robot. No man can resist the robot. NO MAN.
Even if you don't get a great reaction right away, the point is to get noticed. After all, who hasn't been drunk at midnight and screamed out, "I wanna bang that shirtless guy! Where's he at?"
Step three: Closing the deal
Midnight has come and gone and you're making your way out to the parking lot. You've come this far, and now it's time to finish the job.
Time to unleash your catchphrase.
Your catchphrase can make or break your evening, and ultimately decide whether or not you end up in the sweet embrace of a total stranger or cranking one out in the backseat of your 1992 Buick Roadmaster (don't judge me).
While Tom Cruise may have pulled a hot catchphrase in Top Gun ("I'm going to take a shower"), I prefer something more vague and dangerous. For example, if it's cold outside try something like, "This seems like a good time for us to...chill out," followed immediately by a karate kick.
Sound stupid? Tell that to Steve Seagal, the godfather of erotica.
Your mysterious nature and martial arts prowess will make anyone -- man or woman -- ready to rock your face off with no questions asked.
Now that you've got the tools, it's time to get busy. Feel free to share your awesome erotic success stories right here, or at very least, remember to think about me on Thursday morning when you wake up and pray that no one is pregnant.