The Wet Spot: Dirty texting - An erotic intervention
Usually, my erotic adventures are a direct result of me going out and trying to find something awesome (or gross). Then there are times where I get lucky and the adventure finds me.
This past weekend was one of those times. Here's how it went down.
Saturday night, I was hanging out at Liquor Lyles with a friend of mine (I will refer to him as "Rob Lowe" in order to protect his identity), enjoying some 2-for-1 Coors Lights (the official beer of Rob Lowe).
I was in the middle of explaining to him how Londonbeat is really only one big hit away from reclaiming their rightful spot as the kings of party music, when I noticed that he had completely stopped listening and was instead studying a text message he had just received.
Unable to mind my own business, I needed to dig deeper:
Me: What's up with the text?
Rob Lowe: Nothing. Just this chick.
Me: What chick?
Rob Lowe: Some chick I work with.
Me: So what does she want?
Rob Lowe: Not sure. She was going out tonight with one of her friends so I'm sure they're drunk by now.
Me: Swish. So what are you going to say back?
Rob Lowe: Nothing. She's drunk so who cares?
Take that all in: A drunk chick was texting him and he was going to say nothing.
It time for an erotic intervention.
Erotic texting - The art of seduction
As someone who has sent thousands of dirty text messages over the years, I've developed a can't-miss system for cell phone seduction:
1) Be vague but not confusing. You're not going to get anywhere if you just come right out and put it on the table (figuratively). Instead, try using unique and noncommittal language. For example, if someone texts you, "It was so great hanging out with you tonight, let's do it again sometime," you should respond with, "I'm thinking about dropping an erotic bomb on your face."
See? Vague, erotic and awesome.
2) Never talk about what you're doing to yourself. Sure, if you're dirty texting in the privacy of your own home (or work cubicle) you may get the urge to handle your business solo-style. Nothing wrong with that. But under no circumstances should you ever tell that other person what you're doing.
Back in college, my buddy was dirty texting with someone while we were at a football game. Finally, he couldn't handle it and ran to the bathroom only to come back 10 minutes later looking defeated. For some reason, he thought it was a good idea to say, "I'm in the bathroom touching myself for you."
She didn't text back.
3) Never write a column about the time you told a chick you were touching yourself in the bathroom at a football game. If you do write a column where this type of story is appropriate, say that it was your friend who did that and not you.
Back at the bar, I started coaching Rob Lowe on how to respond to his lady friend. Within a few minutes she was telling him (us) about her blue g-string and her lack of a gag reflex. A winning combo for sure.
Monday I got an email from Rob Lowe, thanking me for going out with him and giving me an update on his texting partner from the weekend. Honestly, I couldn't write anything better than this if I tried, so here it is:
Saturday was hilarious. Good times. OH! Remember the chick we texted? I saw her this morning and she said she was so excited to finish what we started on Saturday, so we totally messed around in the handicap bathroom at our office this afternoon. It was awesome.
Sounds like another love connection, courtesy of your erotic specialist.