The Wet Spot: Erotic life advice for CP readers
About a month ago I invited you, the Wet Spot nation, to send me your most burning questions and promised that I would provide the sweetest life advice of all time. I had no idea what I was getting into.
Of the 117 emails I received, many of them were just to let me know how awesome I am, while others chose to berate me for being a monster douche (not surprisingly, most of these were from women).
And one guy sent me a dick pic. Awesome.
While I can't get to everyone in one week, I think it's about time we change some lives.
*Please note: To protect the identity of my readers, I've changed their names to some of my favorite pro wrestlers of the 1980's. You're welcome.
I'm totally into this chick I work with, and I'm trying to decide when it's right to make my move. Her boyfriend just broke up with her, and I don't want some other dude to move in on her before I can. What do you think?
- Ricky "The Dragon" Steamboat
First thing, never say, "make my move." You sound like a middle-aged asshole who hangs out at 18+ clubs by himself to scope out the action (this seems like a good place to give a big shout-out to my dad. Hi Dad!).
Now, it's a known fact that women who get dumped are desperate to find a new guy as quickly as possible. My recommendation: ask her to help you choreograph a dance routine you've been working on (preferably while wearing a tank top). Ultimately, you will end up falling in love and performing said routine in front of her friends and family. For real dude, this could be you.
I've been with my girlfriend for about 3 months now, and the sex is really good. The only problem is that she doesn't shave, and I hate pubic hair. How can I get her to clean it up?
- Greg "The Hammer" Valentine
Let me ask you a serious question; when was the last time YOU shaved? I agree a monster mountain of hair is completely uncool, but you need to lead by example. You can't say something like, "Baby, I would love to eat at the Y tonight, but it looks like you're birthing Kid from Kid 'n Play" if you look like you're wearing a merkin.
(Author's Note: Go ahead; look it up. You can finish reading the column later.)
No woman wants to be pulling hair out her teeth anymore than you do. You get back what you put in. Now get to shaving.
My friend and I are arguing about this and we need someone to settle it for us. Which Mighty Ducks movie was the best?
- "Ravishing" Rick Rude
Kind of off-subject, but I'll take a crack at it. The first one was clearly the best, as it is the only one of the three that made any sense. You've got a bunch of down-on-their-luck kids who suck at hockey and need hope, and then Emilio Estevez comes in and rocks their little faces off. Just like in real life.
After that, the franchise went downhill. Suddenly you had kids bringing lassos on the ice (totally not allowed, trust me), and let's be honest - anyone who saw the first movie would have totally known how to stop that "flying V" bullshit.
And don't even get me started on the third movie. The extreme lack of Emilio drops it at least 10 notches on the universal suck-scale.
Remember, this is top-notch erotic knowledge. Only use it for good; never evil.
Want to ask me an erotic question? Email Patrick at email@example.com.