The Wet Spot: Phone sex gone wrong
It was Saturday night and I was hanging out by myself, watching a rerun of VH1's new cultural gem, Tool Academy.
Suddenly, a commercial came on for a local service called, "The Night Exchange," where I could talk with sexy local singles in my area. I didn't need any convincing - it was time for some erotic chatting.
Without hesitation I popped my shirt off, flipped open my phone and started dialing. I was greeted by a recording welcoming me to "the place for hot men and women to find sexy singles in their area, looking for love, dating and more."
Next, I was invited to listen to messages from women in my area who were currently in the chat room. I pressed the button and waited for an erotic waterfall of explicit banter to splash all over my face. Unfortunately, not all of the messages were what I expected:
Message #1: "My name is Theresa. I am an older woman looking for friendship and a possible relationship. Thank you."
My observations: Theresa sounded like she was about 148-years-old and may have been so senile that she didn't realize she had dialed the phone. On the up side, I had always wanted to find a sugar mama (like my hero, Anna Nicole). On the down side, she sounded like she might be kind of a prude so I moved on.
Message #2: "Looking for a man who is tough but sensitive...and not a wuss. I want someone who is hot and bi-sexual because they're always more fun than straight guys. Think you can handle me? Call me now."
My observations: While I'm not bi-sexual and I don't consider myself to be tough or sensitive, I thought that this chick could be my soul mate. Plus I could hear a dude yelling at her in the background so I knew she was in high-demand. We had a winner - time to get to business.
I entered my payment info and got to chatting. Things started off innocently enough, with us exchanging greetings and making small talk. Then things got real. Here's what went down:
Me: So how are you?
Night Exchange: A lot better now that I'm talking to you. I've been so lonely tonight.
Me: Is that a baby crying in the background?
Night Exchange: Yeah but he's cool. So what's your name?
Me: Umm, why do you ask?
Night Exchange: So I know what name to call out later while I'm touching myself.
Me: Oh, well in that case my name is William Zabka.
(In case you're not familiar, William Zabka played Johnny Lawrence in what is undoubtedly the greatest martial arts film of all time, The Karate Kid. While I may have been lying about my name, I assume that everyone fantasizes about William Zabka at some point in their life, so it's not really that big of a deal.)
She must have been a big Cobra Kai fan, because my Night Exchange princess started laying down some of the raunchiest storytelling I've heard in a long time (this week). Finally, after about five minutes of graphic dialogue, my new friend suddenly went silent. I waited for a moment, assuming she would come back and finish explaining to me what it meant to be "oil-rigged" but she didn't. Instead, some dude who sounded like Philip Banks from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air got on the line and told me that if I liked what I heard, he could arrange for us to meet up that night for $80.
Yep; I was in the middle of a prostitution deal.
Before I could ask the man why he chose $80 as his price, or why he hated DJ Jazzy Jeff so much, I panicked and hung up the phone, ending my hot, live phone connection.
So what's the moral of this story? Next time you're looking to spend an evening dropping some erotic knowledge on some random person you met through a phone sex line remember - you never know who might be on the other end of the call. It could be William Zabka...or it could be Philip Banks.