The Wet Spot: Educational porn schools my face off
This past Tuesday night started out the same as any other. I was sitting at home (shirtless, of course) watching a rerun of Confessions of a Teen Idol and enjoying a six-pack of Coors Light (the official beer of Jamie Walters).
I had yet to get my mail for the day, so I went downstairs (still shirtless, of course) to check the mailbox. Little did I know that I was about to unlock my own private erotic treasure chest.
I had a package from a friend of mine, who for the sake of anonymity I will call Jesus Christ. I ran back upstairs (still shirtless, in case you forgot) and sliced open the package. Inside was a card that simply read:
Yo dude, check this out. Might be good for the column. It will blow your mind!
Love, Jesus Christ
What was this mind-blowing gift from Jesus, you ask? A DVD entitled, "Erotic Seduction: Dressing and Undressing for Great Sex," hosted by Juli Ashton (you may recognize her from Playboy TV, or her role in New Wave Hookers 4) and Dr. Patti Britton of The Alexander Institute, producers of erotic how-to videos for both singles and adults. That's right; Jesus sent me an educational porn DVD. And just like that, a normal Tuesday night transformed into an erotic adventure.
I popped it in, put my shirt back on (Author's note: Kidding!) and prepared to get schooled.
The film opened up with Juli and Dr. Patti talking to me about the importance of keeping things fresh in the bedroom, in order to maintain a healthy relationship. Over the next hour or so, they cut to several different scenarios featuring couples in real-life situations that turned erotic without warning:
- An afternoon picnic suddenly turns to a couple seducing each other with food and having sex in a public park.
- Lingerie shopping turns into a dressing room free-for-all.
- Keanu Reeves and some other guy use a phone booth to travel through time and kidnap historical figures in order to pass their history class (I can't remember if this one actually happened in video or not. It might have been some movie I saw earlier that day. I watch a lot of TV).
Now, I've checked out my fair share of adult videos and I like to think that I'm reasonably well-versed in the pornographic arts. But this video rocked my face off. This was by far one of the most entertaining movies -- not just adult -- I've ever seen.
Not only are all of the videos made with real couples (you can even apply to "star" in one of their features), but there are over 30 different DVDs in the series. Everything from "Great Sex Over 50 for Men" (hot) to "Great Sex Over 50 for Women" (hotter) and "101 Advanced Sexual Positions for Lovers."
The last one surprised me, seeing as how to my knowledge there are only four sex positions, and I am physically only capable of three of them. This day just keeps getting better.
After ordering five more videos I grabbed my phone and called up Jesus Christ to thank him for opening my eyes to this jackpot of erotic knowledge. Our conversation went kind of like this:
Me: Dude, Jesus! That was craziest video ever!
Jesus Christ: I know, right? Did you see the part about the food?
Me: Totally! I'm half-hard thinking about it!
Jesus Christ: Me too!
Both: (Weird silent pause.)
Me: So where did you get that?
Jesus Christ: Amanda gave it to me for Valentine's Day.
Me: Rad. So did you watch it together?
Jesus Christ: No, I was busy playing video games when she gave it to me so I watched it by myself later and then sent it to you.
Me: You're totally getting a divorce.
Want to get a taste of this educational awesomeness for yourself? Check out The Alexander Institute website here (Probably shouldn't click that link at work. Unless you work at a place that needs some erotic education, in which case click away!).