The Wet Spot: Have a barely legal V-Day

Categories: The Wet Spot

This weekend is Valentine's Day, the second most erotic holiday in the month of February (shout-out to Lincoln's Birthday). 

So obviously, you're expecting me to talk all about how easy it is to get laid this weekend, and how women are going to be throwing themselves at any dude who doesn't appear to be carrying an STD (on an unrelated note, today is my dad's birthday. Happy Birthday Dad!). Sounds like a no-brainer, right?


Ask any woman over the age of 21 and they'll tell you that Valentine's Day is a joke. By the time they reach their mid-twenties most women have either been screwed over enough times by shallow (awesome) guys that they have no faith left in America's most romantic holiday, or they've been with the same partner for long enough that it just blends in with every other awful day of their relationship.

So what other choice do you have? Easy: time to start prowling the 18-and-up clubs.

Think about it; girls that are in that precious 18-20 year old range haven't had the chance to become jaded just yet, and they really believe that romantic comedies happen in real life.

(Author's note: They do not. Except for maybe Splash with Daryl Hannah. That seemed pretty plausible.)

That's why you should skip the bars on Saturday night and spend your time rockin' some of the Twin Cities' finest 18+ establishments. But before you go running off and getting all "Justin Gaston," there are a few things you need to keep in mind:

1) Find some love in this club. Thanks to the magic of The Hills young chicks love the idea of "clubbing." Fortunately, there are plenty of local venues offering the perfect atmosphere for you to holler at the barely legal crowd. I recommend finding a place that features a fog machine. Barfly is having a V-Day jump-off and Karma is always full of trashy 19-year-olds looking for love. While you might have to endure tons of sweaty douches talking about their "swagga," the line to get a drink will be crazy-short, allowing you to get drunker faster.

2) Know your audience. It's important to remember that picking up girls in the 18-20 range is way different than picking up women that are of legal drinking age. Don't waste your time trying to make conversation, unless you've ever starred in a reality TV show. This will result in you wanting to shoot yourself in the face. In...the...face. Instead, stick with what underage girls respond to most - drinking. Start buying rounds of grape apes and red headed sluts, and then accompany your new female admirers to the bathroom where they can down the shots without being hassled by bouncers.

3) Don't give away your info. Once you've closed the deal (whether it's a brief make-out session in the Aqua parking lot or an erotic hook-up in the backseat of a 1992 Buick Roadmaster), it's time to cut and run. Don't offer your phone number, email address, MySpace page or any means of communication. Younger chicks always think they're in love with every guy they hook up with, which never ends well. Next thing you know, they're showing up at your office, talking about being in love and carving their name into the side of your car (seriously "Kate"? So uncool. And in case you're curious, I'll be denying your Facebook friend request).

Gentleman: the clock is ticking and the window is closing quickly. This year, use Valentine's Day to your advantage and make your erotic dreams come true with the help of one very simple formula:

Hallmark holiday + younger chicks + Splash + a few fruity shots = Best V-Day ever.

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