Crappy uses of time machines

Categories: Film
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You're telling me you went to the future and didn't bring back a hoverboard?

Like a kid who's found his dad's gun (to paraphrase Ian Malcolm), Hollywood has spent a solid five decades wantonly abusing our most fearsome and powerful invention, the time machine. In that time, Hollywood has made some passable, noteworthy uses of the gadget. But more often, the topic is sorely mishandled, the technology handed to dimwits of low ambition.

You know the old saying-- while the boss is away, the bloggers will waste bandwidth. So, on this dismal Wednesday, Gimme Noise offers you the following list of crappy time machine employment in modern cinema. Enjoy!

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Donatello voicing his bad feeling about the quartet's future careers in TMNT 3.

Back to the Future II

What they did-- Series villain Biff secures an almanac of Sports Statistics with the intention of using it to gamble on sporting events in the future.

Why it sucks
-- Use the right tool for the job, Biff. Using the DeLorean to rig your sports handicapping is like busting open someone's piggy back with an atom bomb.

What they should have done-- Actually, given Biff's intellect, this is probably the best he could have come up with.

Terminator 2

What they did-- Beleagured humans send a friendly Terminator back in time to protect the young John Connor against the evil T-1000.

Why it sucks-- Hollywood has a bad habit of becoming overly elaborate with their temporal machinations.

What they should have done-- Duh. Send the time machine itself back in time and use it to warp a bunch of big guns and A-bombs and super soldiers into the future. The bad guys are sending liquid robots back in time. You can't figure a way to get a walk-in microwave back to 1995? Problem solved.

Honey I Sent the Kids Back to the Spanish Inquisition

What they did-- Okay, this one's not real. But if it was, it would involve a well-meaning but inept Rick Moranis (second time referenced on Gimme Noise today!) accidentally transporting his children back to the time of Torquemada.

Why it sucks-- It doesn't, really, because we'd cast Moranis' children as a bunch of whiney, precocious loudmouths. I mean, you wouldn't exactly want to see them get the thumbscrews, but then  you wouldn't exactly hit fast forward either.

What they should have done-- The more we think about it, the more we think Hollywood should have made this movie. Hey, at the very least it would have made for a great straight-to-DVD release. Are you taking notes, Mr. Weinstein?

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 3

What they did
-- The turtles use an ancient scepter to go back to fuedal Japan for reasons that elude us at the moment.

Why it sucks-- Can't quite recall, but we remember seeing this movie in the theater when we were 9 years old or so, and being bored to death by it even then. And we were still in the throes of our TMNT obsessions.

What they should have done
--  Whooped more samurai butt. Who wouldn't like to see the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles go toe to toe with their logical natural enemy, the Mature Normal Samurai Humans?

Notable mention-- The Science of Sleep. Sure-- Gael Bernal's one second time machine wins Charlotte Gainsbourg's heart but, gee, is that really worth the trouble?

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