I love awards.
I can't really explain it, it's just something I've always gotten excited about. The Oscars? Awesome. Grammys? Rad. Kids Choice Awards? Fantastic.
Which is why it's no surprise that I was super excited to pick up this week's special "Best of the Twin Cities" issue of City Pages. And it did not disappoint.
With literally hundreds of awards given out to the best restaurants, bars, media personalities and other pillars of awesomeness in our town, the "Best of" issue is an award lover's dream.
And then -- watch out -- I got inspired.
In the spirit of recognizing the best of the best (much like Top Gun
) in the Twin Cities, I've decided to hand out a few awards of my own. I proudly bring you, the Wet Spot Awards.
That's right; I sat down this week with an expert panel of erotic consultants and selected the most erotic people and places around the Twin Cities in 10 separate categories, including the highly coveted, "Most Erotic Politician" and "Most Erotic Statue."
Most Erotic Politician: Rep. Carlos Mariani
(Author's note: By "erotic consultants" I mean that I drank a bunch of Coors Light (official beer of the Wet Spot Awards) and watched an entire season of Family Ties on DVD. Then I said to myself, "What would Michael Gross do?" Not surprisingly, this is how I make most of my important life decisions.)
Whether you agree with these choices or not just remember - Steve Keaton was an intelligent, free-thinking individual and he would never steer you wrong. Sha-na-na-na.
The envelope please... (Click here for the abbreviated slideshow version).
This might have been the toughest category of them all. Senator Lawrence Pogemiller was an early frontrunner, thanks to his striking resemblance to Daniel Stern (the most erotic character in Home Alone, might I add). But in the end it is Mariani who takes home the award. Is it his sexy, mysterious name? Perhaps the hoop earring? Sure, both are hot, but pale in comparison to the one thing that made him stand out in my eyes; his turtleneck. Most politicians would have chosen a tie for this picture that screamed, "Check me out. I'm a respected politician. Definitely have never killed a hooker and buried her under my kids' swing set. No way." But Mariani? He was all like, "What's up bitches? Yeah, I broke out my sweet turtleneck in the middle of the summer. Know why? To cover up all the love bites on my neck from the ladies. Now let's go drink some Sparks and listen to Billy Ocean."
Douchiest Bar: Library Bar, Dinkytown
'Sup bro? You want to get into some gangster shit on Saturday? Maybe look for some bitches? Well put on your favorite backwards hat and freshest Affliction t-shirt and get down to the Library Bar. They've got a full bar, so you can throw down on some Jager bombs with your boys, and then slam some Miller Lights while rockin' out to that new Asher Roth (tight). Just remember - if you see any dudes taking pictures for their Facebook pages, be sure to flip off the camera because it's hilarious.
Best Bar to see a Fist-Fight: Burrito Loco, Dinkytown
This one really isn't fair. I don't know if they actually get that many fights happening at the bar, but the last time I went I saw a guy try to hit a bouncer with a chair, which was basically the coolest thing I've ever seen in my life (exception: the movie Willow). That completely ruined anyone else's chances to take the title. Truthfully, this award should go to anyone of the bars surrounding the Xcel Energy Center in St. Paul, because drunk hockey fans love to throw down. Oh, and so do Billy Joel and Elton John fans. See you on May 5!
Most Erotic Local Celebrity: Sven Sundgaard, Kare 11
Look, this doesn't have to be weird.
I chose Sven because he's a good looking guy who tells me about the weather every day (like a modern-day Nostradamus, but with a hotter tan). Not that I pay attention. Again, not weird.
Also, I thought Sven deserved the award because he is very close with his family and spends a great deal of time supporting local charities (kind of like a Midwest version of Brad Pitt). I learned this information from stalkin'...reading his blog on the Kare11.com website. Which I'm sure tons of people do. See? Not weird.
Lastly, I went with Sven because last summer we were both running a half-marathon, and as he calmly ran past me, I couldn't help but notice his ridiculously perfect hair. In fact, it was the most erotic hair I've ever seen. I have to assume that his hair is made from the same magical material as a unicorn's tale or Bret Michaels' extensions. So I touched it. I touched Sven's hair without his knowledge. But it's not weird.
I love you, Sven.
Best Place for Sex in Public: Minnesota Zoo
The MSP airport bathroom is like, so 2007. The Metrodome bathroom and Minneapolis Hilton? Umm, 2008 called and wants those back. So where can you go in 2009 to get your public fornication on? The zoo, of course! Think about it; no one really likes going to the zoo, and the only time we are entertained at the zoo is when? That's right - when the animals are having sex. So do you really think that anyone is going to stop two (or nine) somewhat attractive people from getting busy near the giraffe cages? Of course not. And did I mention that you can RENT THE F'ING ZOO? I smell an erotic field trip in my future. Who's coming with me? (Hint: Everyone.)
Best Pearl Necklace: Michele Bachmann
The one is obvious and it goes to certified R.I.L.F Michele Bachmann, who I think we can all agree looks great wearing a pearl necklace. I can't think of another woman on this planet that looks as good wearing a pearl necklace as Michele does. And of course, Michele loves wearing the pearl necklace as much as we love seeing her in it. Don't believe me? Do a Google search for "Michele Bachmann pearl necklace" and see what you get (God knows I have. So, so many times).
Best Place to have a Swordfight (and not get caught): The Alley at Champps, Downtown Minneapolis
Have you ever been at the bar...or a dinner party...or a children's soccer game and thought to yourself, "Hey, I'd love to be competitively pissing against another dude right now"? Stop lying; of course you have. Fortunately, the alley at Champps in downtown Minneapolis is the ultimate proving ground for potential urination champions (and it's called Champps! It must me destiny). The alley is great because it has the three elements of a good swordfight; booze, drunk guys and plenty of secluded corners to avoid those annoying "public indecency" tickets. Grab a partner, fuel up and prepare to mark your territory.
Most Erotic Statue: Hiawatha Carrying Nokomis Statue, Minnehaha Park
The upset of the year! Suck it, Mary Tyler Moore statue. Go back to spraying water, spoon and cherry. There's a new erotic statue sheriff in town. While I admittedly don't know the exact historical significance behind the Hiawatha carrying Nokomis statue, I can tell you that I chose it because it is nearly the identical pose as the movie poster for The Bodyguard, starring Whitney Houston and Kevin Costner. Just remember, Hiawatha, never let her out of your sight. Never let your guard down. Never fall in love.
The Judd Nelson Wet Spot Lifetime Achievement Award: Judd Nelson
Dear Mr. Nelson: We accept the fact that your career unfairly came to a halt in the mid-80's, shortly after the success of The Breakfast Club. But, we think you're crazy to have gone from make such erotic masterpieces to spending three (3!?!) seasons playing second fiddle to Brooke Shields on the awful 90's sitcom, Suddenly Susan. Your entire career, people have tried to label you as they want to label you: in the simplest terms, in the most convenient and non-erotic definitions. But, what we found out is that you are not just one thing, you are: A guy with amazing hair...and an erotic pioneer...and a guy who maybe tag-teamed Demi Moore with Emilio Estevez.
The Erotic Specialist