The Wet Spot: Creating the ultimate prom night
Take a deep breath. What do you smell?
That sweet scent in the air is a mix of bad cologne, adolescents and hope. It must be prom season.
The month of May is when high school kids (and 26-year-old guys who have young-looking faces) spend all of their money on tuxedos, limos and Smirnoff Ice in hopes of enjoying their first awkward sexual experience on a night that has been made famous by some of the greatest movies of all time.
(Author's note: I'm going to do my best to limit the amount of John Hughes references. Promise.)
From time to time, Wet Spot readers have accused me of being immature and chauvinistic (others have claimed that I look like the middle brother from Hanson except with shorter hair and way tougher, and I agree). But today, I show my more compassionate side. In honor of this momentous month, I'm going to share my own personal story of teenage triumph and tragedy, along with a few tips for all of my young, impressionable high school readers to make all of your prom night dreams come true.
(Author's note: Last one. Swear to God.)
Choosing your date
Before you start worrying about buying condoms that you will never, ever fill out properly, you first need to find a date.
You could take the easy road and rent a date like Patrick Dempsey in Can't Buy Me Love, but do you really want the biggest night of your young life to end with you handing over a fistful of cash to a chick who doesn't even like you? And for what? Some heavy petting?
OK fine; that was a loaded question.
Seriously though, you only get to go to prom once (or twice if you pose as chaperone and sneak in) and you should reach for the stars. Find that one person who you care about more than anyone else in the world, take a chance and ask them to accompany you to the Mecca of teenage romance.
For me, however, that person turned me down. So instead I went with a chick who had hooked up with a friend of mine hoping that she might be willing to give me some action to make him jealous. Don't you judge me.
Once you've got the date, it's time to pull together an outfit.
Here's a serious tip for guys and girls alike: If you decide to wear something to stand out and look "unique," don't act stupid, because everyone will remember you.
Here's an example that is definitely not about me: A guy decides to play it straight for the night, wearing a plain black tuxedo. A few hours later he's slow dancing with his date and feels what he believes to be a nipple pushing through her dress, causing him to end up with a raging erection. Suddenly, his date looks down and says, "What the hell, Patrick? Quit humping my leg! And why do you smell like Arby's?"
Pretty embarrassing right? Now imagine that happening to a guy wearing an eye patch and fox fur shawl like Slick Rick. All of a sudden, 10 years later, no one remembers his name but they remember that guy with the eye patch and the rock-hard erection. Had he chosen a more conservative look, he might have lived it down. Instead, he will forever be known as Prom Pirate. Again though, not about me.
Anyone who has ever seen a coming-of-age movie about prom night knows that there is always that crucial moment where you have to make your move. But how do you know if it's the right moment?
Easy -- you listen.
The right song can be the make-it-or-break-it moment of the night. Move in for a kiss during something like Coolio, "Fantastic Voyage" and you risk being shut down. Not because it isn't a hot song, but because it's not the right fit for a romantic milestone.
In my case, I remember the evening coming to a close and the DJ announcing that it was the last dance of the night. I kind of freaked because I saw my window of opportunity for a dance floor makeout session closing quickly. All hope seemed to be lost. And then, it happened -
Before Bryan could finish his first chorus of "Heaven," I was in a crazy-sweet mouth-lock with my date, creating erotic magic that neither of us would soon forget.
Look, I could write more about that moment, but instead let's just take this time to close our eyes, listen to Bryan rock out and think about me laying down some serious tongue action on a fine 17-year-old girl.
It's OK to cry.
Hopefully you'll take my advice and amazing experiences and put them to use in your own young life. Boys and girls, you have the tools. Go make some magic.