The Wet Spot: Debating the sexiness of "Sexy Spring"

Categories: The Wet Spot

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I hate it when people claim to be something without thinking about it first.

Like when your grandma claims to be making her "world famous" chili (Note to your stupid grandma: No one outside of your immediate family has ever tasted it, so how the F is it "world famous?"), or when some jackass writer calls a movie "the most important movie of our generation." (Note to stupid writers everywhere: Rocky 4 is the most important movie of our generation, so just stop now.)

But the one that really burns me is when something calls itself "sexy."

Sexy isn't a description that's given; it's earned. That's why when I heard about the Sexy Spring Collective's, "Sexy Spring VI" event this past weekend, I had to draw the line. I knew that it would be educational, and I assumed it would be interesting. But would it be sexy? I had to see for myself. That's why I decided to attend the event last Saturday and decide once and for all: Sexy Spring - sexy or not sexy?

Venue Sexiness

When hosting a sexy event, the first thing you should do is choose the sexiest venue possible. After all, if people don't feel sexiness around them, then how sexy can it really be?

The event was held at the Ford Building on the campus of the U. In case you're not familiar with this building, it's the one that smells like death. Seriously. I assume that the building smelled pretty similar to how the ring smelled right after Drago killed Apollo Creed in that exhibition fight in Rocky 4.

(Author's note: Apollo's entrance to James Brown "Living in America" = very sexy.)

To recap mathematically: Death smell = Unsexy.

Sexy: 0, Unsexy: 1

Educational Sexiness

The weekend featured numerous workshops covering a variety of topics. Some of the sessions were sexy-informative, like (Bi)Sexuality 101 and Submission & Masochism in BDSM, while others were sexy-exciting, like Sex Toys 101 and Pegging & Strap-On Sex. No matter what your interest, there was a session for you.

I would have liked to have hit up almost every workshop that day, with the exception of Booty Dancing: Consensual Crumpin'. Not because I don't find it interesting, but because I watched both seasons of "America's Best Dance Crew," which has essentially made me an expert in the art of booty dancing.

Sexy: 1; Unsexy: 1

Swag Sexiness

Everyone loves getting free stuff, and creating sexy-looking flyers, programs and other handouts can increase the sexiness-level of your event significantly.

Unfortunately, the Sexy Spring program that I received just didn't do it for me.

It had a "map" on the front that I think was supposed to be symbolic of the journey that attendees would take throughout the weekend. While clever, I would have preferred a cover photo of something that was so sexy that it made people cry. Like this:

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Just a suggestion.

Bottom line, while the program was informative it just wasn't sexy like it should have been.

Sexy: 1; Unsexy: 2

Human Sexiness

It was definitely a diverse crowd at the event, which attracted people of all ages, genders and sexual orientations. But the two things everyone had in common were that they were all completely accepting of each other and all really nice. I mean REALLY nice. Like if they would have asked me to join a cult, I totally would have signed up. They were that nice. (Also, because I'm weak-willed. But it's mostly the niceness part.)

What the event may have lacked in atmosphere and swag, it definitely made up for in terms of quality people both presenting as well as attending.

Oh, and there was a guy there who looked EXACTLY like Adrien's brother Paulie.

(Author's note: Not really, but I was really looking to drop a third Rocky reference and now I have. I'm the big winner.)

Sexy: 2; Unsexy: 2

SEXY TIEBREAKER!

After witnessing so much throughout the day, I was desperately searching for something that would determine whether Sexy Spring was in fact, sexy.

I kept looking, hoping that something would just jump out at me that would just scream sexiness, like a karaoke competition or a poster of Dolph Lundgren (it's just getting gratuitous now, isn't it? Sorry).

Then, I saw it - gender neutral bathrooms.

The official purpose of the gender neutral bathrooms was to represent a breaking down the walls of gender constrictions and sexual orientations. However, as someone who has been in his fair share of trouble for "accidentally" wandering in to women's bathrooms, this was the greatest thing I'd ever seen.

(Author's note: It's not like that. It usually only happens when I go to the Metrodome, because I hate the pissing troughs in the men's room. Glad we cleared that up.)

Sexy: 3; Unsexy: 2

WINNER: Sexy

I'm not going to lie to you; when I first arrived at Sexy Spring this past weekend I wasn't sure I'd like it, and I wasn't sure that it would like me. But then, throughout the day, I saw a lot of changing - how I felt about Sexy Spring, and how Sexy Spring felt about me. And if I can change, and Sexy Spring can change, then we can all change! Congratulations, Sexy Spring Collective on being the sexiest (but smelliest) event of the season.



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