The Wet Spot: Twittering your face off

Categories: The Wet Spot
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Earlier this week, I discovered this crazy new concept that I guarantee you've never heard of before.

It's called Twitter.

What's that? You've never heard of Twitter? Of course you haven't. That's because I haven't told you about it yet, and I'm basically the single greatest (and only) source for all things awesome in Minnesota.

Long story short, Twitter is this thing that lets you drop mad-knowledge on people in 140 characters or less. Is your mind blown yet? I figured.

Anyways, I created my own Twitter account a couple of weeks ago and started telling people about it, and now everyone is doing it. (All because of me. You're welcome, Twitter.)

Now for a shameless plug: www.twitter.com/patrickstrait. God I feel cheap.

So the other day I was twittering (or "twatting" as it's known by some people...but mostly just me) and I thought to myself, "Dude, you're not real good at sharing the spotlight. So how are you going to make your tweets stand out amongst all the other twats on the Internet? (For those of you keeping track at home, that's twice. How many times do you think I can use that word before I get in trouble?)

(Author's note: Also, I call myself "dude" during moments of self-reflection. I'm brotastic like that.)

That's when I realized that if I want to make an impact on the Twitter community, then I need to do something other than spend the day telling everyone about how rad Vertical Horizon was (is). Time to get my twat on.

(Author's note: *Tee-hee*)


How to rock the F out of Twitter

Step one: Create mystery

Question: What's the best show on TV? Law & Order? CSI? NCIS?

Answer: Trick question. They all rule equally.

The reason is because people love murder shows. And Ice T. But mostly murder shows. That's why you need to make every tweet a mini murder mystery. For example:

Going to the car wash. Murder imminent.

Boom. Seven words; that's it. Tell me that you won't be checking back all day to find out what happens next? Exactly. Here's another:

Grocery shopping with Amy. And death.

License to print money right there. Twitter money.


Step two: Pretend to be friends with famous people

Guess what? Famous people are better than normal people. They're more interesting, and usually have superpowers. And they all have Twitter accounts.

While you will likely never get the chance to speak to a celebrity in real life (we live in Minnesota, let's face facts), you still have the ability to make stuff up about famous people and link to their Twitter pages to make it appear that you're friends with them. Here are a few that I did recently to help you get started:

Listening to @Chris_Daughtry make racist jokes. Not cool Chris.

Doing blow with @DaveCoulier.

High on @drpepper. And life. And rubber cement.

Go ahead; stalk you favorite celebrity and try it now!


Step three: Make your backdrop a unicorn

No jokes here. Use the fucking unicorn.

Look, you hate talking to people on the phone as much as I do, and Facebooking is sooo 2005. I'm sure that it's going to take you a while to get used to this whole Twitter thing, seeing as how I am the first person to ever discover it. But once it catches on, I think that people are really going to like it. Trust me, I'm totally hip with the kids.


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