The Wet Spot: Pubic shaving for America
That means it's time for cookouts, kids (or 26-year-old dudes) blowing off their fingers with illegal fireworks, and most importantly - the beach.
Now, as all the ladies out there know when it comes to bathing suit season, nothing is more important than proper grooming. But what about the guys?
On more than one occasion recently, I've argued with several of my guy friends who claim that they shouldn't have to worry about any type of Australian MANscaping (get it? Because it's "down under!" God I'm clever). I personally disagree.
So the question remains - do guys need to get out the clippers and chop down the mighty bush before hitting the beach this holiday weekend? You make the call.
Do it for the children
A couple of weeks ago I was hanging out at the Mall of America - drinking an Orange Julius and tearing shit up - when I saw a young man standing outside of the Abercrombie and Fitch, shirtless and sporting just a floral printed swimsuit. While the shirtlessness didn't faze me, I couldn't help but notice how low his swimsuit was hanging on his ridiculously chiseled waist. And while this young man was crazy-ripped and unhealthily tanned, I couldn't stop staring at the rainbow formation of pubic hair bulging out over the waistband.
In between hating myself for staring at a teenage dude's pubic hair, I couldn't help but think, "He spends so much time oiling himself up, how does he not realize how gross that looks?" Then it occurred to me; blame the parents.
Obviously, his dad never thought that he needed to shave his own business, and therefore his wannabe son doesn't think he needs to either. That's why years from now, when that kid is a 35-year-old man who dropped out of high school because he thought his modeling career was ready to take off, and he's sitting in a car covered in glitter having just finished dancing for a group of Asian businessmen, he's going to think to himself how he wishes that a strong male role model would have handed him a Bic at age 16 and told him to get down to business.
(Author's note: I'm not mad at my dad. I just need more time. I don't want to talk about it.)
Do it for gender equality
Let's face it; no one wants to see a chick at the beach that looks like she has that guy from Counting Crows in a headlock with her thighs.
And yet for some reason, without fail, every time I go to the beach I see at least one guy sporting a crazy-gross Speedo, looking like he's trying to smuggle a Furby in his groin area (remember Furby? Whatever, cool guy, you know you do).
While I'm too young to have seen the civil rights movement for myself, I have to assume that this is basically the same thing. If women can't parade around with hair coming at you from angles while sporting a swimsuit, then guys can't either. Or, if guys aren't comfortable with shaving their pubic region before hitting the beach, maybe they should be forced to drink from a different drinking fountain than everyone else. See how I just did that? In one swooping motion, I demonstrated just how far back our society can fall because of guys who refuse to trim their crotch-ular region.
Do you want to be responsible for setting back equal rights? Exactly.
Do it for Matthew McConaughey
Of everyone in the history of the world - either living or dead - there are a small handful of people that I think we can all agree are representatives of a particular generation. I'm talking about Kennedy, Lennon, Macchio and more. And who is the voice of our current generation? Exactly - Matthew mf'ing McConaughey.
Does McConaughey have body hair? He does not. Does he get laid all the time? He does. Do we all secretly (or in my case, very openly) wish we were Matthew McConaughey? Absolutely.
Embrace your generation - wax yourself (and rent How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. That's a sweet flick).
Look, I'm not going to tell you how to shave yourself. Maybe you're a fan of the arrowhead design. Maybe you're more of a soul-patch kind of guy. Or maybe you're the kind of guy who goes completely bald, making you look and feel like an 8-year-old boy (don't judge me).
But no matter what you choose to do, this Independence Day weekend remember one thing: Hundreds of years ago our forefathers stood together in hopes of creating a country where men could be free to control their own destiny. And when those brave men signed that declaration all those years ago, guess what? They were all well groomed. Shouldn't you be too? Do it for America.