Michael Jackson still unburied

​Michael Jackson, far right, in rehearsals for his 1996 HIStory tour.

Sometimes, you just don't think of everything. Like, when Michael Jackson died, and was treated with the pomp and circumstance of actual, bonafide royalty, it escaped our attention that, hey-- they still have to plant this poor bastard.

Well, scope this headline from CNN and have your awareness jogged-- MJ's funeral date has been set for September 3rd. Which raises the obvious realization that the decrepit remains of the King of Pop are still on ice and salt somewhere, stinking up a coroner's drawer.

No reason has been cited for the postponement of this already long-delayed body disposal. So we'll use that as an opportunity for wild, unsubstantiated speculation.

We're guessing that, firstly, the prospect of actually handling MJ's silicon exoskeleton, sheathed in a cool rubbery hide, is too much for even the most weather-beaten gravedigger to stomach.

Then there are, of course, the obvious problems with depositing large fusion batteries, such as the one currently occupying the late entertainer's chest cavity, into the earth-- special precautions must be made to keep the polonium out of the ground water.

Then there is the problem of securing the corpse safely enough that, when the ultimate call to arms happens and the robotic undead are summoned to rise from their graves and overthrow humanity, MJ will in fact be unable to liberate himself. This would likely be accomplished with a lead casket, encased in a crypt of depleted uranium-- this would prevent all radio transmissions, such as that signaling the beginning of the robot uprising, from reaching the singer's remains. It would also prevent the singer from freeing himself, should some sort of interior chip escape the attention of coroners, and MJ is able to become sentient and mobile under his own power.

Until we hear evidence to the contrary, you can pretty much take this to the bank as solid, irrefutable fact. Enjoy!