The Wet Spot: Surviving the pissing trough
|Picture by Svadilfari|
The Vikings regular season starts in a couple of weeks. The Twins are in the hunt for the playoffs. The Monster Jam is coming to town in December (Grave Digger rules!).
Needless to say, there are tons of reasons to hit up our beloved Metrodome over the next few months. But there's also a reason to avoid it...
The pissing troughs.
Don't get me wrong; pissing in a giant tub is a pretty sweet experience. Anytime I go somewhere that has a pissing trough, it immediately ups the coolness level of that particular establishment at least five notches. For example, the pissing trough at Lyle's--amazing. The trough at Champps downtown--hot. The trough at the Subway in Chanhassen--sweetness.
(Author's note: Apparently a sink and a pissing trough are not interchangeable. That being said, I would like to extend my deepest apologies to the staff at Subway in Chanhassen for our recent misunderstanding. It won't happen again. Promise. Unless I really have to go, in which case all bets are off.)
But for some reason, when it comes to the pissing trough at the Dome, people have obviously not been well versed in proper mano-a-mano urinating etiquette. Which is why I'm here.
Tip #1: Watch your aim
Look guys, you're not alone.
I know that feeling. You're standing at the trough, trying to sober up enough to read the "Don't drink and drive" bathroom ad and thinking, "Hey, wouldn't it be cool to see if I can start pissing from one end of the trough and see if I can hit the other side?" I do it all the time.
But for the love of Corey Haim, make sure no one else is around when you do it.
This past Monday I was at the Twins game and I watched a grown man pull a full-on sprinkler move while using the trough, covering the floor, the wall and the left pant leg of a certain erotic specialist who happened to be standing next to him, minding his own business and trying to start a swordfight with an 11-year-old kid (for the sake of his anonymity, I will call this man Not-Patrick. Because Not-Patrick would NEVER try and start a swordfight with anyone in a public setting, especially an 11-year-old kid. Unless that kid was talking shit and Not-Patrick felt like he needed to put him in his place via a competitive pissing contest. Also, for the record, the 11-year-old didn't beat Not-Patrick in said-swordfight, despite the fact that Not-Patrick ran out of urine eight seconds sooner than the 11-year-old. Let's just move on).
In summation, pissing on the wall = funny.
Pissing on a "Don't drink and drive" sign = impressive.
Urinating on other guys around you = not cool.
Being 11-years-old and being able to out-piss a 27-year-old man = fraud.
Tip #2: Watch your kids
Aside from the situation that unfolded between the 11-year-old and Not-Patrick, the next thing I would like to discuss is parents watching their kids at the trough.
Every time I go to the trough, I end up next to some little kid who makes it a point to stare directly at my package. Not cool.
In case it wasn't enough that a small child is staring at you in a very inappropriate way, this can cause some serious anxiety for the victim (me), who just happens to be a shy urinater.
That's why I recommend parents bring something with them to the pissing trough to entertain their children, like a coloring book or Xanax. Whatever it takes to keep your kids' eyes off of my package and on the wall is good news.
Tip #3: Keep your eyes to yourself
When a kid looks at your package, it's uncomfortable.
When a grown man looks at your package, it's gross.
You can't blame kids for looking around at shit. It happens. But when a 52-year-old man is clearly mugging out my unit without even trying to disguise it, I get a little weirded out. It should be a rule amongst grown men that when using the pissing trough, the eyes stay up and stream stays forward. So why is it that EVERY SINGLE TIME I'm at the Dome, I end up next to some guy who insists on staring down my package. Granted, my package is like magic, but it's still weird.
Gentleman, think of the pissing trough as a Ray Charles-zone: stay blind.
We've still got a few more weeks of baseball at the Dome and who knows how much more football. Shouldn't we work together to not weird each other out while partaking in the manliest of rituals? Exactly.