The Wet Spot: Fact or fiction - You have a big package
Back on Tuesday I was hanging out with a friend of mine (for the sake of anonymity, let's call him Joey Buttafuoco) who was describing a recent hook-up he had with a woman he met at the Mall of America.
This type of story isn't that uncommon coming from Joey, who hooks up with a lot of women and loves the Mall of America. LOVES. IT.
But the thing with my friend Joey B. is that his stories always end the same way:
"So after we got done, she told me that I was the biggest she ever had. No lie. I'm so hung, bro. I'm packing, like, a monster Italian sausage. Or a mini Louisville Slugger. Or a baby's arm. "
Of course you are, Joey.
Guys, I think we all have a friend like this. The guy who needs to constantly brag about the size of his unit and make strange comparisons between his masculinity and a baby's arm. And I for one happen to be sick of listening to it. So I did some research.
The other day I was hanging out on ManHuntDaily.com (I read it for the articles), when I came across a list of average package sizes of guys on a per-state basis. Guess what, Minnesota? We did pretty sweet.
Based on this highly scientific report, the unit size of the average Minnesotan is 7.34 inches, placing our state at number 10 on the list. Click here to see the whole list.
(Author's note: Stop lying; you know you want to look.)
Still, even after my extensive research, I couldn't help but think to myself, "Is this list accurate? Or was it a totally skewed group of crazy-thick pipe layers?" Only one way to find out.
I decided to Facebook-friend Buttafuoco's ex-girlfriend a couple of nights ago, to see if I could get to the bottom of this debate. My friend request message read:
My name is Patrick and I'm the Erotic Specialist. You've probably heard of me, and the answer is yes - it's really me. Anyways, I know you dated my friend Joey for a while in college, and I'm hoping you can shoot me a quick note and let me know how big his package is? Love ya!
Shockingly, she got back to me. Word-for-word (pretty much, except for the stuff I added), here's what she had to say:
I don't know you, but after scanning your Facebook page and Twitter, I assume you work for either Coors Light or Rowdy Roddy Piper. Anyways, I ordinarily wouldn't discuss my sex life with a stranger, but Joey was a complete prick the whole time we dated (can you believe he had another girlfriend? It makes me so mad thinking about it even today. It makes me want to do something crazy. Whatever), so I have no problem telling you that he's maybe six inches on a good day. And he lasts about 40 seconds at best. On a totally unrelated note, I hear you can do like 20 one-armed push-ups in a minute. God that's hot! Anyways, hope this helps! - Amy
Guys, I wrote this week's column for two reasons. First, to settle any argument or debate you may have with your friends, wife, or parents as to whether or not they can be call themselves well-endowed. The next time your friend is bragging about his size 6.3 inch package, you can pull this up and say, "Hey guess what? You're actually a full inch shorter than the state average. Also, you look like a young Joey Buttafuoco. So...sucks to be you."
The second reason? To publicly highlight the fact that my friend Joey Buttafuoco has a small piece on him.
Yeah, I am that shallow.