Office holiday parties: A cautionary tale

​For 364 days each year, cubicle warriors (like myself) sit in front of their computers, silently wasting away while their hopes and dreams slowly dissolve under high-powered fluorescent lighting.

(Author's note: Hey kids! Stay in school and this could be your future too! *Huffs rubber cement, continues crying on the inside*)

But for one fantastic day each year, all of the stress, ill will, negativity and hatred that we accumulate from our normal lives as office drones melts away as we partake in the most sacred of all workplace traditions - the company holiday party.

The company holiday party is the one occasion where co-workers are allowed - no, expected - to get piss drunk, run their mouths and pretend to enjoy each other's company. Typically, there is always at least one awkward moment that everyone remembers (like the year when I ALLEGEDLY wet myself at T.G.I.Friday's. For the record, I stand by my story that I spilled a drink in my lap moments before passing out in a booth), and that's to be expected. But there is a fine line between hilarious bladder control issues, and potentially career-ending holiday party F-ups. That's why this week, to help prepare you for your corporate yuletide bonanza, I'm sharing a few of the most deadly corporate fo-pas. You're welcome.

The co-worker hook-up

Look, I get it. You're drunk; they're drunk. So what's the big deal if you hook-up with that cute chick in accounting, or that gross skinny guy who no one really knows what his job is (hint: it involves magic)?

This is the worst decision you can possible make.

The second you start sloppily tonguing down a co-worker, or trying to find a way to score some "alone time" in a bathroom stall, you immediately become the main attraction of the party. Come Monday morning, you will have to answer to the office gross guy (me), who will want all the gory details of what happened. But that's not even the worst part.

The worst part is that you are now forever tied to that person in the eyes of all your co-workers. That means you've likely ruined a lot of possible friendships, and completely ruined your chances for any other potential office hook-ups moving forward. That's why I recommend getting as drunk as you can, as fast as you can, urinating on yourself and passing out in a booth at T.G.I.Friday's to repel any possible romantic connections. Trust me, it works.