Top 10 most ridiculous country songs of '09

​We're nearing year's end, and I'd lose whatever shred of credibility I have left if I was to offer y'all a list detailing my favorite songs in country of the past year (note: some of them are included in the list I am offering you below; I won't say which). And so in keeping with the relative disdain for popular country we all ought to share, I instead present to you the top 10 most ridiculous songs in country of the past year. Songs that take literal lyricism to its most extreme. Songs about tractors, and tractors and, well, more tractors. Songs that make my friends laugh in disbelief when I explain their concepts. I've made a bar room pastime out of it, in fact. "Hey, you gotta hear this song this guy wrote about his tractor! No, this other one! No, not that one. Another one!"

Zac Brown Band - "Toes"

Zac Brown Band is a country jam band. Need I say more? Okay I will. In this Jimmy Buffet-esque song, Brown details his escape from GA to drink rum on an island beach, the muchachas calling him "Big Poppa" when he throws pesos their way, edited for country radio with the removal of all mention of "ass" in sand and "rolling big fat ones." Adios and vaya con dios.


Brad Paisley - "Welcome to the Future"

Brad Paisley's lyrics drive me absolutely nuts. To my knowledge, Paisley has never employed a metaphor. In this song, Paisley welcomes us to "the future" (per Paisley, the future is now!), a world in which we play Pac-Man on our phones rather than at the arcade! Where we communicate via video chats rather than letters! He makes some mention of Martin Luther (King, presumably) after remembering a friend on the football team who once had a cross burned in his yard (some sort of inspirational note ending the song that utterly confounds me). Paisley's lyrics may be maddening, but as a friend and fan of his pointed out, he is a pretty amazing guitar player - you can check him out when he visits the Xcel this January with Miranda Lambert.


Tim McGraw - "It's a Business Doing Pleasure With You"

Faith Hill is evidently breaking Tim McGraw's bank now that her own career is on hiatus while she cares of their kids, and he's outfitting her Escalade with new spinners and her damned dog in $1500 collars.