The Wet Spot: A totally non-weird love letter to Twilight's Taylor Lautner

Categories: The Wet Spot

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Twilight Foxdie
In case you missed it, there is an ad in this week's City Pages promoting a love letter contest.

The premise is pretty simple: write a love letter, email to mischke@citypages.com and you could win a $1,000 gift certificate to RF Moeller Jewelers. The ad goes on to say that letters must be 200 words or less, and that they will be judged on originality, creativity and romanticism. Yep, the ad pretty much said it all. Except for one small detail.

The ad failed to include any fine print stating that City Pages employees are ineligible to win the contest.

That's why this week, I am officially entering myself in the City Pages love letter contest. I can't lie, it was a little tough deciding exactly who I should write my letter to. First, I thought about writing it to my wife, telling her how I feel about her. I also considered taking a different route and writing the letter to my mom, reminding her of just how special she is. Finally, after a great deal of consideration, I chose the person who I thought was most deserving of my letter, as well as give me the best chance of winning: Taylor Lautner from Twilight. Time to get romantic.

Dear Taylor,

My name is Patrick, and I just wanted to write you this letter to tell you...I love you. Ha, don't get weird on me, bro! I'm just saying that I love you in a totally non-weird, brotastic sort of way. Plus, I totally love so many things about you that other people might take for granted, and I wanted to tell you about it.

For example, everyone thinks you're famous just because you played a werewolf in the movie Twilight. While I'm also a big fan of werewolves (you are totally my favorite werewolf ever, except for Michael J. Fox in Teen Wolf), I love all of your past works equally. Your role in Cheaper By the Dozen 2, for example, was seriously deep and I think it showed your witty, charming side instead of just showing off your body (even though that's great too). Just playin' dude!

Also, I was peeping your Wikipedia page the other day (your eyes look beautiful in your pic, BTW. Just playin' again!) and I noticed that you studied karate when you were young boy. Coincidentally enough, I also love karate! Maybe sometime soon we could get together and teach each other a couple of moves? I know that I'm a few years older than you, which means I'm probably a little more experienced, but don't be intimidated! I'll be happy to take control and I promise I'll be gentle (in the beginning at least!). For real though, I love that you enjoy the martial arts, and that's something I don't think a lot of other people appreciate about you as much as they should.

Lastly, I wanted to tell you that I heard about your recent breakup with Taylor Swift. That's rough, dude. I know how much breaking up can hurt, which is another reason why I wanted to drop you this bro-love letter. If it makes you feel better, I removed myself as a fan of hers on Facebook. Oh, and I also kidnapped her little brother. Ha, just playin' AGAIN! (But seriously, I'll totally do it for you if you want me to. Just say the word.)

You see? This is what bro-love is all about! Joking around about each other's bodies, watching Steve Martin movies, doing karate. 

Anyways, I'm really looking forward to spending my Valentine's Day this year checking out your new movie, Valentine's Day (sweet title, by the way! Did you come up with it yourself? I bet you did. Because it's awesome. Just like your hair. Just playin' for a fourth time!). But I wanted to make sure that you knew that no matter how great you are in the movie, I love you for you. Feel free to hit me back at eroticspecialist@gmail.com if you want to chat, and keep doing what you do!

All my love,

Patrick

(P.S. - I know that you're 17, so don't tell your parents that I wrote this letter to you, K?)

There you have it, love letter contest judges. I'll be anxiously awaiting my gift certificate, and RF Moeller, please set aside two manly-looking ID bracelets. I'll be by to pick them up shortly.

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