The Wet Spot: How to know if your mate is cheatin'

Photo by Rob Lee

​Last month, I got an email from some dude telling me that he was disappointed that the past few Wet Spots had been "soft." He said that I stopped being the Erotic Specialist, and that all I was concerned with was talking about how awesome I was (am) and making jokes about Steven Seagal.

(Author's note: When it comes to Seagal, I never joke.)

That's why this month, I'm going back to my erotic roots, taking on real questions from Wet Spot readers, and dropping erotic knowledge all over you face (like Seagal laying down some hot USA beat downs in The Patriot).

To kick things off, this week I'm answering an email I got a few months ago from a buddy of mine who had a serious life dilemma that only I could solve. Let's do this.

Hey Patrick,

I've been dating this chick for a few months now, but lately I've started to think that she might be cheating on me. Do you have any idea how I can find out for sure?

This is always a tough subject to tackle, because finding out that your wife/husband/girlfriend/boyfriend/baby daddy is creepin' on you is never easy. In fact, there was one time in college that I thought my girlfriend (for the sake of this story, let's call her "Judith Light" from the hit TV series, "Who's the Boss?") might have been cheating on me. Over the next few weeks, I managed to identify a few subtle, hard-to-find clues that ultimately led me to the truth. Here are a few of the warning signs that I was able to identify, which could help you too. Here's what went down:

• Judith started spending a lot of time with this guy she worked with named, "Tolin" (no, seriously. That was his name. I couldn't make that up if I wanted to), especially when I was out at the bar or at home for the weekend. Tolin wasn't all that attractive. He was super pale and always looked like he was about to cry, which apparently chicks are in to. She talked about him all the time, almost as though he had her under a spell. A warning sign if there ever was one.
• Tolin would show up at Judith's apartment on nights when we would be hanging out and just sit on the couch, staring at us until I was so weirded out that I would leave. Occasionally, he would make comments like, "Hey Patrick, have you ever seen the movie, Blade? That movie is tight." I knew something was off about him, because no one likes the movie Blade. No one.
• Another time, Tolin showed up at my place and stood over me whispering "you have beautiful skin" in my ear while I was asleep. Judith wasn't actually over at my place that time, so I'm assuming it was a total psych-out tactic on his part.
• Finally, I caught Tolin red-handed, sucking on Judith's neck in a car in the parking lot of my apartment building. I was crushed, until days later when I saw Judith and noticed how pale and sickly she looked, no doubt the result of nights of sleeplessness from guilt over the whole situation.

I think Tolin was a vampire. Just saying.

Look guys, it's never easy to find out that the person you care about is cheating on you (especially with Tolin the vampire). But if you recognize the warning signs early -- avoided phone calls and erratic sex with your mate are a few big clues -- you can get ahead of the situation and save yourself the embarrassment of being the last to know. By stabbing Tolin the vampire in the heart.

Hopefully this advice helps you as much as it helped me. Good luck!