The Wet Spot: Sexy V-Day gifts from the gas station

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(Author's note: Which of course means I'm also doing it. Sometimes even I'm disappointed in my laziness.)

Most gift-giving guides give you tons of sweet ideas from jewelry stores, florists and restaurants. However, for a fancy gentleman like myself, I'm far too busy masturbating traveling and crying doing charity work to get out and stop masturbating shop for a specialty Valentine's gift. That's why this week, I decided to go shopping for a romantic Valentine's Day gift at my local Holiday gas station. Let's get sexy.

Sexy gift #1: Duraflame Giant Log ($5.99)

The first key ingredient in any erotic V-Day stew is setting the right atmosphere. With a Duraflame Giant Log, that special lady in your life will be all like, "Whoa, am I sitting by a real wood fireplace at a secluded cabin in the woods?" And you'll be all like, "No baby, that's a Duraflame Giant Log which I set on fire in my bathtub. Now watch me do some pushups without my shirt on."

Whoever says you can't buy love has obviously never enjoyed the sweet, sensual scent of a Duraflame Giant Log, available at your local Holiday gas station.

Sexy gift #2: Bag of generic candy corn (2 for $3)

Everybody knows that food is ultimate aphrodisiac. The second best aphrodisiac? Costumed role playing. That's why everyone's favorite bulk Halloween candy is the perfect instrument of seduction for any Valentine's blowout.

For an extra-large dose of sexiness, have your woman bring out her Halloween costume from last year and play a little game I like to call, "Trick-or-treater visits random apartment where dude answers the door with his unit in a bowl of candy corn." I'll leave the details to your imagination.

(Author's note: For the record, this is not a cool game to play on actual Halloween. It can lead to some very uncomfortable situations. And a potential orange and yellow-stained unit.)

Sexy gift #3: Smoker's Mist spray ($3.99)

Now that things you've set the stage, it's almost time to "seal the deal" (that's my code word for boning. I'm like a sexy secret agent). Now, I'm not one to condone smoking, but if you do smoke, make sure you don't reek of it before trying to move in for the "deal" (again, I'm talking about boning. Just in case you forgot). A couple of quick spritzes with this handy, pocket-sized bottle and you'll be smelling fresh, clean and ready for love.

(Author's note: As a sidenote, I should point out that the Smoker's Mist spray bottle will NOT get rid of the smell of burnt Duraflame Giant Log on your clothes and hair. That shit is serious.)

Sexy gift #4: Durex XXL condoms (3-pack, $4.99)

You've set the mood, laid the groundwork and made yourself presentable. Just one thing left to do - rock out with your lower male extremities out.

Fortunately, my good friends at Holiday gas station had me covered with a 3-pack of XXL condoms. Now, the key is to make sure that your lady sees the XXL box earlier in the evening in a discrete location, like on a nightstand or proudly displaying directly in front of your TV. This way, she'll spend the evening thinking about your HUGE dong.

But the real secret is to somehow manage to convince your Valentine that your dong is just so big that not even an XXL sized condom will fit on your massive package. Why would you do this, you ask? Because condoms are stupid and kill more people than they save. Kidding!

(Author's note: Not kidding.)

There is still plenty of time to get out and make this Valentine's Day the most erotic - and affordable - of all time. Just stop by your local Holiday gas station and ask the "love advisor" working behind the counter to help guide you on a sensual shopping journey. Love will take over from there.