Joining the mile-high club in the sexy skies
Over the next few weeks, students (and fancy 27-year-old dudes) from all over the country will be boarding planes on their way to sexy Spring Break locations in search of their own spiritual guidance, power-animals and anonymous tug jobs in hot tubs. And while the spiritual journey and TJ's are both very exciting, the real party potential is taking place before they ever even touch down. Some people call it the "Mile-High Club." But I prefer to call it, the "Boner-High Club." (Author's note: See what I did there? Genius.)
So how do you manage to arrange for some hot sky-love on the plane? After
Choosing the right partner
The most important first step when it comes to finding a "Boner-High Club" partner (totally rolls off the tongue, amiright?) is scouting the talent on the plane.
So who should you look for? The fun-loving college girl who is super-psyched to do tequila shots on the beach? The sexy cougar who has already had three red wines before take off? The creepy 27-year-old throwing a temper tantrum over the fact that they aren't offering Coors Light (the official beer of sky-boning) on the flight?
No. I'm talking about the flight attendants. Hear me out.
After sitting on a plane for four hours, most people are tired, bored and full of rage. Now imagine being on a plane for 18 hours straight. What would you do to break up the monotony?
That's why you need to keep your eyes open and look for flight attendants who appear to be somewhat sleep deprived and potentially delusional. They'll be looking for any source of entertainment, opening the door for a romantic encounter for even the most mediocre of gentlemen.
On a related note, I'm sure my parents are extremely proud of me after reading that last line.
Choosing the right location
Once you've found a partner, the next step is finding the right spot. Obviously, the options are pretty limited, which is why you need to get creative. Sure, you could wander into that tiny bathroom and assume that no one will think twice. But before you do, ask yourself this question: "Can I deal with the shame of getting caught taking off all of my clothes in an airplane bathroom, assuming that someone else will be joining me in the near future?"
Also, as a bigger life-lesson, I would not recommend getting naked alone in any situation, assuming that your partner of choice will follow suit. God I wish someone would have said that to me in college. And when I worked at Subway. And last week when I got naked on that plane. And this past week when I ate lunch at Subway. Moving on.
Instead, try creating your own romantic environment in a less common place such as under a pile of blankets that you've turned into a fort, or a Subway bathroom.
I think my memories are getting mixed up.
Covering your tracks
After you've sealed the deal, you can't just emerge from your fort like nothing happened. It's important that you cover your tracks, so that you don't come off looking like a total dirtball, or getting detained as a national security threat.
My idea? Immediately start trying to make yourself vomit. Much like "that-friend" at a bachelorette party, no one ever wants to deal with the lone puker in the party. Most likely, people will simply look the other way and pretend you don't exist, giving you an easy escape.
No matter where you're going this Spring Break, remember that love is waiting for you around every corner. Make the sky your erotic backdrop, and paint a portrait of sexiness all over it.