Beyonce Knowles is (probably) pregnant
Not expecting expensive chains or Italian loafers or duffel bags full of complementary L'Oreal swag or Bellinis, silly - expecting a baby.
Gimme Noise is at a loss, seriously, for superlatives and emotions. Naturally, we're psyched for Beyonce and Hova; becoming a parent is a huge, life-changing experience full of wonders and experiential rewards so numerous that we won't even attempt to list all of them here. But as much as this (alleged) news is a cause for celebration, it gives us a bit of pause, for reasons that we'll explore below.
1. A Knowles/Carter Pregnancy Automatically Creates An Urban Pop Royalty Power Vacuum
Here's the thing; these two so cherish their privacy - or relish the air of mystery that appearing to cherish privacy generates - that most punters know little or nothing of the details and particulars of their life together. Imagine how little we'll know about their lives as two-thirds of a nuclear family unit, especially given that most couples withdraw into their own little worlds as the ninth month draws near. Imagine the chaos that will result as heirs to their respective, abdicated thrones rush forth to seize and wield that precious, tantilizing cultural power.
2. Can We Handle The Void?
Imagine a year or two bereft of paparazzi photos, guest-raps, singles, albums, movies, and television commercials related to Carter, Knowles, and their as-yet-unborn progeny. People? Us? Supermarket tabloids? Gawker.com? We barely knew yea.
3. Watch The Throne EP Title Acquires Extra Resonance
Because when you're heating up endless bottles of formula, changing dirty diapers, singing lullabies in the middle of the night, and making ingratiating cooing sounds - or, rather, ensuring that the nannies you're paying handsomely to do these things for you because you're insanely fucking rich are doing what you're paying them handsomely to do - it's easy to lose sight of the throne, even if it's really just a metaphor or a state of mind and not an actual throne wrought of gold and studded with precious jewels that you sit in sometimes, scepter in hand, crown on head.
4. "I Don't Think You Ready For That Jelly" Lyric To Be Less Than Self-Complentary After Pregnancy
Mother Nature can be so cruel.
5. Is America Ready For The Rap Equivalent Of Chelsea Clinton?
Let's revisit this question in, say, 20 years.
6. Is America Ready To Care About Real Vs. Decoy Baby Showers Scheduled For Rappers' Unborn Children?
I don't think we're ready.
7. Prepare Yourself, In Lieu of Beyonce's 800-Watt Celebrity Glow, For The Inevitable Ascent/Full-Court Press/Media Coronation of Solange Knowles
If you didn't already find her half-assed R&B career and genre-bending schtick insufferable, you will soon enough.
8. How Many Kids Can Cue Up A Music Video And Show Their Friends When, More Or Less, Their Folks Fell For One Another?
Yup. And seriously, who would've predicted, back when B was just beginning to break away from Destiny's Child and into a solo career and Jay was first starting to look like rap's Grateful Dead, that the clip for "Excuse Me Miss" - ugh, Pharrell Williams' fake Marvin Gaye impression was slimy and gross even back in 2002 - was actually the beginning of a
9. On the Other Hand, There May Be Some Catalogue Ephemera That's Too Awkward For Mommy and Daddy to Easily Explain Away Any Earlier Than Baby's Fifteenth, Er, B'Day
Namely, the remix of Missy Elliott's "One Minute Man" - which gains greater resonance if you're intimately familiar with "Independent Woman #1."
10. Kanye West Is Going To Be Someone's Uncle - Figuratively Speaking, Anyway
Isn't that weird?