Calm, collected holiday shopper, what's on your iPod? (Part VI)

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So: are you feeling the fear yet, as the days slip by with a greater rapidity and your gift-shopping list becomes longer? Got the shakes? Struggling to find some temporal real-estate this weekend to sneak out and do your fake-Santa duties dirt cheap? Gimme Noise is, too. Remember back when you were a kid and it was totally cool to spend a total of $30 on presents for the whole fam and you could knock that shit out in September?

No?

Nah. Us neither.

Ralphie, Randy, and Their Unnamed, Long-Suffering Mom in A Christmas Story, "Jingle Bells"

Oh, dear Gimme Noise reader, you just knew I was going there, didn't you? And still you were not ready for this, for your first dreaded/anticipated Christmas 2010 exposure to the mother of all over-exposed Christmas flicks, to surface here, or all places. On the plus side, you now have every right to order small children, carolers, and co-workers who try to sing this song - or its "Batman smells/Robin laid an egg" variant - to fuck right off. THHPBBBT!

The Darkness, "Christmas Time (Don't Let The Bells End)"

How did I gawp and thrill to the Darkness's This Is Spinal Tap-aping antics through most of 2003 without being aware that dudes went in for a eunuch-gelding Christmas anthem? A eunuch-gelding Christmas anthem with a gaudy, overwrought video where it looks like Justin Hawkins is crying but it's really a bang-up make-up job, and then there's a part where two Justin Hawkinses - one normal, the other dressed like a homeless, starved Santa - work together to play a guitar/bass combination? Just wow.

Dolly Parton, "Hard Candy Christmas"

When people consider Dolly Parton's body of work, nobody talks about - or even thinks about - this song, and with really good reason. What a maudlin, torch-song diva piece of crap this is; it's like Parton forgot everything that her fans adore about her, that strident, ballsy Southern blonde-bombshell with a heart of gold brass. That non-threatening, come-hither country attitude. EPIC FAIL.

Weird Al Yankovic, "Christmas at Ground Zero"

There's nothing left to say about this song that you didn't already say, at twelve, when you and your homies were zooming on Mars bars in your rec room and playing "Christmas At Ground Zero" over and over, trying to sing it straight without collapsing into giggles; the giggles said it all. Of course, that was pre-9/11, before the terrorists won, expanded their international franchise, and founded WikiLeaks.

"Christmas For The Jews," from Saturday Night Live

You know, the biggest problem Gimme Noise has with this song - and this may go a ways to explaining why I don't find it funny - is that I feel left out of the joke, or maybe that it's too easy or broad a joke to make, Jews ruling NYC or, indeed, the entire world on Christmas since the Gentiles are too busy gathering around trees and exchanging gifts or stoking fireplaces while lighting piles or whatever. When you watched this - and I want you to be honest, here - did the video inspire a big old belly laugh? Seriously? The old school Motown vibe of this thing carried the most appeal for me, but it wasn't like it was funny ha ha, and really, the whole eye-rolling shebang ran about, oh, two minutes too long.

Much like the holiday season itself.

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